Ways to Improve Major League Baseball

Spring Training is in full swing. Every year around this time, I find myself thinking about what makes baseball the greatest game ever invented. The history. The drama. The sense that anything can happen on any given day. And then I think about how much is being left on the table. Here are my suggestions for improving Major League Baseball:

Every team should have at least one player who is a dog. Not a mascot, a player. Every time a TV camera finds a dog in the stands, the crowd loses its mind. That dog should be playing.
Stop signing players named Kevin. I’m not going to explain further, but it’s non-negotiable.
Watching players run the bases gets monotonous. If you want second base, you’ve should have to dance for it.
Double-headers are a great day at the ballpark. You could also save a lot of time by playing both games at once. The outfield will get crowded, but that is a problem for the outfielders.
Free bat day, but with live bats. Also, free rabies shots.
Play on ice, with sticks, and a puck.
Once a game, at a moment of the umpire’s choosing, the “Piñata Ball” enters play. Nobody else knows when. When it breaks open: free candy!
Players have worn the same style cap since 1876. It might be time to consider sombreros. Or large copper diving helmets. I have a longer list; available upon request.
Once per game, the home team may take out a runner at home plate with a blow dart. I’ve written to the Commissioner about this. He hasn’t responded. I want to be clear that I don’t take that personally. I’ve written five more times since my first letter, just to demonstrate that I don’t take that personally.
Rural communities deserve better access to Major League Baseball. Move the Yankees to Montana. This has nothing to do with me being a Red Sox fan.
A lot of people watch hockey for the fights. Show a hockey game on the Jumbotron. You know, in case people get bored watching baseball. Boy wouldn’t it be cool to see a hockey fight? See item 6.
Have you ever walked through a forest and come upon an open field of marigolds? Just an enormous, untouched field of marigolds, in the middle of everything? I don’t know how you incorporate that into baseball, but I feel like the commissioner should look into it.
Ballpark food is alright. But people are always raving about their grandmother’s cooking. When you ask if their grandmother ever makes nachos, they say no. I guess what I’m saying is, shut up about your grandmother’s cooking.
My friend Kevin is always going on about how he could have played Major League Baseball. Let him try so I can see him fall flat on his face. Oh, wait, I forgot about the no Kevin rule. Could you just send him a letter telling him he sucks? You’d really be helping me out.

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Kristopher Wood

Kristopher Michael Wood is a writer and humorist. Whereabouts unknown. His writing has appeared in McSweeney’s, The American Bystander, Sorbet Magazine, and others. You can find him at www.kristopherwood.com

Every team should have at least one player who is a dog. Not a mascot, a player. Every time a TV camera finds a dog in the stands, the crowd loses its mind. That dog should be playing.

Stop signing players named Kevin. I’m not going to explain further, but it’s non-negotiable.

Watching players run the bases gets monotonous. If you want second base, you’ve should have to dance for it.

Double-headers are a great day at the ballpark. You could also save a lot of time by playing both games at once. The outfield will get crowded, but that is a problem for the outfielders.

Free bat day, but with live bats. Also, free rabies shots.

Play on ice, with sticks, and a puck.

Once a game, at a moment of the umpire’s choosing, the “Piñata Ball” enters play. Nobody else knows when. When it breaks open: free candy!

Players have worn the same style cap since 1876. It might be time to consider sombreros. Or large copper diving helmets. I have a longer list; available upon request.

Rural communities deserve better access to Major League Baseball. Move the Yankees to Montana. This has nothing to do with me being a Red Sox fan.

A lot of people watch hockey for the fights. Show a hockey game on the Jumbotron. You know, in case people get bored watching baseball. Boy wouldn’t it be cool to see a hockey fight? See item 6.

Have you ever walked through a forest and come upon an open field of marigolds? Just an enormous, untouched field of marigolds, in the middle of everything? I don’t know how you incorporate that into baseball, but I feel like the commissioner should look into it.

Ballpark food is alright. But people are always raving about their grandmother’s cooking. When you ask if their grandmother ever makes nachos, they say no. I guess what I’m saying is, shut up about your grandmother’s cooking.

My friend Kevin is always going on about how he could have played Major League Baseball. Let him try so I can see him fall flat on his face. Oh, wait, I forgot about the no Kevin rule. Could you just send him a letter telling him he sucks? You’d really be helping me out.

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