We Regret to Inform You That Your Son Has Been Waitlisted for Preschooler Gymnastics

Dear Nicole,

Thank you for submitting your application for “Tender Landings – A Reggio Emilia Tumbling Experience for Tots, Level III.” We regret that we are unable to offer your son a space in our program at this time.

As you know, preschool tumbling is a coveted, highly competitive and, frankly, undervalued branch of the gymnastic arts. Early childhood gymnastics teaches kids vital life skills like “kicking the big ball they’re supposed to balance on” and “sliding down the same Fisher Price slide you have in your backyard, but for $30 a lesson.”

We received dozens of applications this season and can only admit a small number of gymnasts. This year’s applicants were a particularly impressive group. Did you know that Liam Edwards, age 39 months, once performed accidental splits while reaching for his Hot Wheels? Two of this year’s applicants can stand on one foot while singing refrains from Moana. One child can juggle.

Also, in the “Notable volunteer achievements” portion of your son’s application, you wrote “N/A (he’s three?!).” Many of our preschool gymnasts are already stalwart pillars of their community. Sally Harris, for example, spent over 10 hours volunteering at the Tales of Kale Urban Farm this year, and only ate two or three pieces of rabbit poop in that time.

Furthermore, it has come to our attention that you hit “Submit” on your application 0.0004 seconds after Julie Evans, a local mother of four who, you might note, cuts her kids’ snacks into adorable flower shapes after writing in her journal each morning. Whether the 0.0004-second delay was a failure of your inferior Wi-Fi or a testament to your lackluster organizational skills is of no matter to us—we simply go by the numbers, Nicole.

Please note that we do not make this decision lightly. We take pride in our role as leaders in athletic pedagogy, springing the next generation flexibly into the future. We thank you for trusting us to adjudicate this process, and also for your non-refundable $25 registration fee.

Thankfully, we are able to offer you space on our waitlist, which is only 180-children long. If a space opens up, and those 180 other children decline, and no one else piques our interest in the meantime, your son will be our first choice. Even though we hear he once poured oobleck on the cat.

Finally, just mentioning this, take from it what you will, you might note that our state-of-the-art physical learning facility is made possible by many generous donors. We are always accepting inquiries from community-minded philanthropists who wish to enhance the lives of youth with a dignified contribution. Like the Kyle Reid & Family & Ziggy the Pet Lizard Balance Beam.

Thank you again for considering our program. If you do not wish to remain on the waitlist, we wish you the best of luck in finding alternative summer plans for your son, perhaps in “community multisport,” last-ditch haven of stragglers and strays.

Sincerely,

The Homestretch Centre for Bespoke Gymnastics