We’re Sun Chips, And The USDA Said We Can Be Called Vegetables

HEY YO, it’s ya boy, Sun Chips!

You might know us as the chip of choice at a poorly staffed hospital cafeteria!

You thought you were eating “healthier”  by choosing Sun Chips because we have names like Garden Salsa and it says shit like MULTI-GRAIN on the wrapper.. But, SURPRISE! We are just as straight up trash as a potato chip or drain sludge dusted with salt, cholesterol and maltodextrin. (IMHO. THE BEST -DEXTRIN!)

BUT WE WANT TO BE HEALTHIER FOR YOU WITHOUT CHANGING THAT CLASSIC SUNCHIP RECIPE!

Like HELLA HEALTHY!

After many years spending millions upon millions to lobby the USDA, we finally have convinced them that Sun Chips should now be considered VEGETABLES.

You can’t forget we exist now! Not when we are in the vegetable section next to the Kale, the parsley mistakenly put in the cilantro bin, and corn. We not just a fake healthy food! We real big time health food, BROSKI!

NEVER FORGET TO GET IN YOUR NINE  SERVINGS OF SUN CHIPS VEGGIES!

It’s not just at the grocery store, hombre. Gosh, imagine going into like a Just Salad. You look up at the menu and you just see a something delicious labeled Sun Chips. And then you look at the rest of the salads, let’s be honest, they are fucking BORING. You going to choose that Sun Chips Salad, son, because its just vegetables (Sun Chips) in a bowl smothered with health sauce (Blue Cheese dressing). Best forty-seven dollars you ever spent.

TRY THIS ON FOR SIZE, KID. You go to the doctor and he says that your blood is hardly moving through your veins. The doc calls your blood, SLUGGISH AS ALL HELL. YOU MIGHT HAVE A HEART ATTACK IF YOU KEEP IT UP. But, “LISTEN UP PHYSICIAN”, you say, “ALL I EAT IS VEGETABLES. I eat maybe six to fifteen bags of vegetables a day called Sun Chips French Onion.”

Now this dork doc, he looks at his machine and goes through his mental rolodex of medical school knowledge. He knows Sun Chips are vegetables now and so something ELSE must be awry.

He finally looks you in the eye and says, “Hey!. You are eating vegetables just like the everyone recommends including the Frito Lay Corporation, so I have to check myself before I wreck myself. I QUIT DOCTORING ‘CAUSE I WAS WRONG.”

You walk out of that doctor office like a GODDAMN boss. And maybe die. We don’t know for sure, but how can you die if you eatin’ vegetables?

REAL TALK! You have A FUCKIN’ KID. And they say, “Momma” or “Poppa” or “My Sun Chip Guardian” and continue with “Will there be dessert tonight?” And you can say, “Yeah. vegetables if you eat all your other Frito-Lay products like Doritos, Fritos and Funyuns”  and they say, “YAY! I love my vegetables. They taste like Sun Chips. Sun Chips is LIFE.” And that is being a parent. That is showing up in a real way. And is there anything more important than taking care of a HUMAN LIFE.

Sun Chips.

Call us Vegetables now, shitheads!