I’m sorry I didn’t open the Evite and read the details about the family event you kindly invited me to.
I’m sorry I kept our pinky promise from when we were 12 that we’d always dress up for Halloween.
I’m sorry I brought pumpkin spice Jell-O shots to the classy restaurant you generously rented out for your family visiting from Colorado and a few close friends.
I’m sorry I pregamed with a few Jell-O shots before I arrived.
I’m sorry I got into a fight with the restaurant manager who tried to get me to throw away the Jell-O shots I spent all afternoon making.
I’m sorry I threw a vase at the restaurant manager that your aunt made in her glass blowing studio in Colorado.
I’m sorry I consumed all the remaining Jell-O shots myself.
I’m sorry I invited 10 random people to your private family and friends shindig and told them it was going to be a rager.
I’m sorry they showed up.
I’m sorry I threw up from all those Jell-o shots in the coat room, who had the white vintage mink coat? Was it your mom? I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I jumped out of the coat room wearing a Jason mask and scared the kids.
I’m sorry your uncle from Colorado happened to be with them and had a heart attack.
I’m sorry his wife thought I was a real nurse and tried to get me to help him.
I’m sorry I thought I could “fake it till I make it” and tried to give your uncle CPR.
I’m sorry your uncle decided to reassess his life after what turned out to be a panic attack and is now leaving your aunt.
I’m sorry your uncle has moved into your spare bedroom that you just finished remodeling as your office.
I’m sorry I screamed “Trick or Treat” in your face when you tried to talk to me.
But happy vow renewal to your parents on their ruby anniversary! Kinda bad timing they got married on Oct 29th, huh?
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Viktoria is a Boston-based writer of humor and children’s books. You can find her work in Weekly Humorist, McSweeney’s, Points in Case, The Belladonna, and Robot Butt, or schedule a private reading of select pages of her 3rd-grade diary.