What to Do if a Bear Charges You

If a bear charges you, the most important thing is to try and remain calm. It’s understandable that this can be hard, but it’s pertinent in making your exit as smooth as possible. Did you make a loud noise and startle the bear and he simply wants you to leave? Did you intrude upon the bear’s territory? As with most problems, the simplest explanation is usually correct.

 

Wildlife researchers at the University of Wisconsin — Oshkosh found that nearly 50 percent of instances where a bear might charge is due to the fact that this is a coffee shop and you ordered an iced mocha. If your total is $6.50, calmly tap your card, wish the bear a pleasant rest of their day, and go about your business. However, if the screen displays a tip option, be careful not to hit 10 percent. Studies found that this will agitate the bear.

 

Other schools of thought argue that if the bear brightly remarks that the frozen Vegetable Biryani makes for a perfect quick and easy week-night dinner, you’re at Trader Joe’s and the bear is about to announce that your total is $94.27. Which was slightly more than you were hoping to spend, but pretty good considering the price of frozen Vegetable Biryani these days. If you feel like the bear is flirting with you, that’s just the temperament of Trader Joe’s bears. For your own good, don’t read into it.

 

If you’re in Chicago buying a sandwich, you may have stumbled onto the set of the hit Hulu show The Bear, and it’s actually Jeremy Allen White. This is the only instance where a man is preferable over a bear.

 

A study conducted by psychologists at NYU found that if a bear charges you in Soho, you should probably run because there are no bears in Manhattan and that’s pretty concerning. However, if you’re in the GANNI flagship store, it’s because you just paid $315 for a white peplum tie blouse that you’ll never actually wear. These bears will tell you you’d look good in anything.

 

If the bear asks you to open wide, you either have a bear for a dentist or the stuff they gave you for the root canal is making you think you have a bear for a dentist.

 

The Massachusetts Department of the Interior advises that if a bear charges you, it’s because you valeted your car and now the bear wants a tip. Calmly hand the bear a crisp $10. Don’t comment on the steering wheel being sticky from the jar of honey the bear was dipping its paw into while he parked. However, if the bear adjusts the seat, swiftly dial 911.

If the bear charging you has an Irish accent, you’re still on the set of The Bear and it’s Ayo Edibiri in a bear costume she got at Party City because she’s just fun like that. Either way, scholars conclude that show is more stressful than being chased by an actual bear.