Classic Works of Literature Updated for Gen Z

A Moveable Girl Dinner

Forget the austere glamor of Hemingway’s art and alcohol-fueled 1920’s Paris—the 2020s have moved the (art?) enclave online, replacing weeks-long European travels and trysts with 20-year-old “girls” nibbling cheese, crackers, and a lone piece of deli meat ham rolled into the tiniest taquito.

Alice’s Activism in Wonderland

Upon witnessing the Red Queen’s abuse of capital punishment, Alice’s disillusionment with the monarchy only grows as she encounters the populous of Wonderland falling into unhealthy coping mechanisms, drug use, and addiction in an attempt to distract from a tyrannical, “colorblind” head of state. Alice takes matters into her own hands to usurp the powers-that-be and help everyone get on the Caterpillar’s level with some solid smoke.

The Grating Gatsby

This Gatsby is blander than your aunt’s mash potatoes after she decides to cut her sodium intake. Instead of parties visible from other coastlines, he throws 4-person kickbacks, posts out-of-focus TikToks about the “insane livestream going down at #casadeGatsby,” and “accidentally” tags his neighbor’s wife in all of them—even though she never makes an appearance.

The Scarlet Unsubscribe

After receiving a giant letter “C” tattooed on her chest for “serving c*nt,” not snitching, and cheating on her husband with a hot priest*, Hester is canceled by her community and shadow blocked across platforms. But instead of staying “Canceled,” Hester decides to rebrand herself as a sex-positive influencer who stands on business. Use code “Chilling” for 20% off at Bellesa,

*Not the one from Fleabag.

Weathering Inflation Heights

A tempestuous, capricious inflation rate climbs higher and higher, crueler and crueler, as one weary, ambivalent mixed-class household bends to its predictably unpredictable temperament, hoping for a government-ordered rate halt that never comes. Even after they’re dead and buried, inflation will burrow into the graves to continue f*cking them.

Our Mutual Friend-With-Benefits

When word gets around about John’s rich talent for…..y’know….he quickly becomes a coveted addition to everyone’s polycule.

Whether they’re an all-female arts collective illegally living in a two-bedroom apartment on the wrong side of town, a co-ed group of Trader Joe’s employees that frequents the same Russian bath house in the city center, or three IT guys all named Dave, everyone from every sort of socio-economic background has come to call John their best friend.

The Mortgage Rate Also Rises

Other than the rising climate-change-affected sea-levels, increasing number of school shootings bolstered by inadequate gun control measures, and surge in TikTok-face, Jake realizes in dawning horror that even if he learns to scuba dive, survives high school, and avoids lip filler sepsis, he’ll never be able to afford a home worthy of Lady Brett Ashley’s sober-curious soirees.

The Siblings Karamazov

The children of a cheugy, affluent late-stage Millennial attempt to convince their ill-dressed, ill-tempered, and culturally-ill parent to acknowledge their pronouns, the legacy of The Wendy Williams Show, and the results of the 2020 election.

All Quiet on the Post-College Employment Front

Recent graduates suffer from shellshock as no companies seem to be hiring. Of the companies that are accepting applications, role descriptions list a minimum requirement of 2-years experience—even for “entry-level” positions. Deep in the job-search trenches, aspiring recruits race to upskill as yet another social media platform blows up in the hands of an incompetent general.

Annananana Karenenininina

After watching her Millennial brother blow up his own marriage in a mid-life-for-the-time crisis, Annananana Karenenininina—readers may opt to just call her Anna Kendrick—decides to do the same since she’s 28, close to death, and her cheek fillers have nearly completed their migration. Upon engaging in non-consensual non-monogamy, Anna Kendrick is canceled by her whole social circle and decides to move to the most Instagrammable part of Italy to escape #TheIck. But as it turns out, nobody anywhere enjoys the daily-drama of toxic people not on T.V.

On the upside, throughout the novel, trains are always everywhere and a big part of everything, which eco-conscious, driver-licenseless besties can definitely get behind.

Moby’s Dick

Moby has a weird sore on his genitalia, but he doesn’t have health insurance, PTO, or the wherewithal to brave WebMD. Instead, he hounds the “urgent care near me” Google results page, searching for telehealth options, low-to-no copays, or sliding-scale clinic less than 1.32 miles away—his white whale.

Fahrenheit 451

More of a flier than a book, this work features only the image of Donald Trump blow-torching the entirety of planet Earth. There are no words since no one reads anymore.