White House, Dirty Laundry: Presidential Sick Habits
Sure, everyone knows that Taft was stuck in a bathtub, JFK banged Marilyn Monroe and FDR was trans. But what do you really know about our past Commander in Chiefs?
Teddy Roosevelt would regularly hire a woman to pretend that she has the right to vote while also gingerly fingering his bottom.
Gerald Ford would quite often get a thrill from defecating while in full view of the First Lady (ed’s note: it’s not been confirmed if this was indeed sexual, or if President Ford simply would forget to close the bathroom door).
Andrew Jackson would regularly have sexual relations with many of his slaves. Of course, this was less of a sexual fetish, and more that he was a huge asshole.
George Washington had a prosthetic left buttock, which he would suddenly take out of his pants and fling across the room during spiriting political debates.
Bill Clinton would…. okay, yeah… right, right. Onto the next one then, I guess.
Martin Van Buren would quite often shave his chest, place the resulting hairs into the crack of his bottom, and then fart the hairy wad at members of his staff.
George H.W Bush would get a tremendous thrill from being intimate with his wife while pretending that she was a poorly disguised man. At least, that’s what we have to assume.
Grover Cleveland loved to have his testicles vomited upon (and if you’d have seen his testicles, you’d know that was no problem. Really, really gross, even for testicles).
Richard Nixon would quite often allow himself to be roughly fisted, and without the benefit of lubrication. At least, we hope that he did. If anyone deserved it…
Franklin D. Roosevelt also greatly enjoyed being furiously paddled on his bottom. Although why is anyone’s guess.
George W Bush and his First Lady Laura get a sexual thrill from reenacting her 1963 hit and run. They use various homeless people in the role of the victim, while President Bush receives road head from the First Lady, who is naked but for a creepily realistic Abraham Lincoln mask.
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Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence
