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Nihilistic Airport Announcements
Flight 666 to Death Valley will now be departing from Gate 13. Yes, you heard that right. I said Flight 666 to Death Valley. Death is where we are all heading anyway, so you might as well come on board. However, please board only when your zone is called.
Please do not accept luggage or packages from others you do not know because it’s probably an improvised explosive device or a fruitcake. Either way, though, nothing really exists, so do what you want.
Please do not leave your luggage unattended unless you want to. I mean, worst-case scenario, someone plants a bomb in there and we all die right now. Best-case scenario, someone stashes a million dollars in drug money in there and we all die later. What’s the difference?
Attention passengers arriving from Miami on Flight 211. You can collect your luggage at Baggage Claim B, D, S, or Z. It is impossible to say which one with any level of certainty because it is impossible to be certain about anything. Like, are any of us real?
In accordance with TSA regulations, smoking is prohibited in the airport terminal except for in designated areas. Please refrain from smoking or move to one of the designated smoking rooms and really hotbox that shit. Either way, the dark shadow of death is encroaching upon all of us.
Because this is a full flight, we are requesting that anyone with large carry-ons please check them at the gate. We apologize for any inconvenience, but are you really going to whine about having to wait five minutes for your bag when life is nothing but a slow and tortuous slog toward death?
In a few moments, we will begin the boarding process. Please have your boarding passes ready so we can depart in a timely manner even though time is nothing but an illusion created by our desperate brains in an attempt to impose order and meaning upon chaotic nothingness.
Flight 755 to Honolulu has been cancelled due to a mechanical issue and because there is no point in traveling to a tropical paradise. Sure, it might seem like a fun idea, but you won’t remember vacations or anything else when you cease to exist. The flight will not be rescheduled.
Reminder to passengers: Many bags look alike. Also, all humans look alike after they die and their bodies are returned to the earth from which they came. Please check that you have the correct bag before leaving the baggage claim area.
Attention passengers. Sorry for the delay, but the crew is in route and should arrive momentarily. In other words, you might die before they arrive or you might not. But you will definitely die eventually. Thank you for your patience and thank you for flying with us today!
Welcome to Donald J. Trump International Airport!
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Andrew is a writer from Orlando whose work has appeared on McSweeney’s, Cafe.com, Robot Butt, The Higgs Weldon, Parent.co, Scary Mommy, Mock Mom, and HuffPost. His first book, Fatherhood: Dispatches From the Early Years, is available now. For more, visit his website and follow him on Facebook and Twitter.
