The Death Of America Takes A Holiday: Trump’s Vacation Journal
“Journal… may I call you Journal? Today was sort of a rough day. I’ve ignored and dismissed it for some time now, but have to admit that the continuous onslaught of comments regarding my golfing schedule has begun to get to me a bit. Is there any truth to these harsh words? Do I retreat into the world of golf far too often for a man of my responsibilities? This concern plagues me. I need to give this a good amount of serious thought. The place where I’ve always found the peace and calm to think clearly is on the golf course, so until I have an answer that calms this inner turmoil, that’s where I’ll be.”
“Hey Journal, are you familiar with those lint rollers? You know… you roll them along your clothes, and they pick up specks of lint and so on? Well, have you ever used one while completely nude? Fantastic! The sticky roller paper feels amazing as it cruises along against your skin, and it also picks up an impressive amount of items along the way, up to and including dead skin flakes and moles that have fallen off yet remain adhered to your skin by the combination of natural oils and cosmetic creams. I even found a quarter once, which I used to tip the boy at the New York building!”
“Melania gave me a good idea, Journal. And I don’t always give credit where credit is due, but it was a pretty good one: a perfume for lady members of the Illuminati, and there are a few, believe it or not, called IllumiNaughty. I think that’s just fantastic. The only problem so far is finding the right mixture of ingredients that don’t allow the addition of human blood to overpower the scent as a whole. And if you’re not going to add human blood to a perfume created expressly for female members of the Illuminati, then why bother, right Journal?”
“Journal, this Kim Jong-un… who does he think he is? No, really, because I’m not sure who this guy is. Have I been briefed on him by my people? I think that I recall seeing some photos of him here and there, but based on the haircut, just assumed he was one of the special needs kids that I’m supposed to smile at and shake hands with for the camera.”
“You know, Journal, I really have nothing against Obama. Don’t tell! I wouldn’t want to rile up my hardcore followers. But he’s a pretty cool guy, I think. It’s a shame that things turn out the way they do, because I think we could have been friends. I’ve never had a black friend before, so that would have been neat. I did meet Mr. T on the set of Celebrity Hollywood Squares once, though. We chatted for a bit, but there was no real spark.”
Okay Journal, hear me out… this thing in Charlottesville is horrible. But the most horrible thing about it is that I’m getting blamed somehow. Sure, okay, I do realize that every single one of those white trash idiots is a follower of mine, but still… how does that make any of this my fault? That’s like blaming that little monkey who brought AIDS into the country for the entire epidemic that followed! Totally not fair. So that’s it… this makes me just like that little monkey. Well, that and the throwing poop thing.
Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence