Sure, We’re Cutting Funding for Libraries, but Our New 17 Million Dollar NYPD Subway Security Robot Is Gay

“Mayor Adams’ latest city budget proposal would pump more than $62 million into hiring new NYPD officers — but keep in place a similarly sized spending cut to New York’s public library systems that their leaders say could deal an existential blow to their branches’ ability to operate.”-New York Daily News

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As a spokesperson for Mayor Adams’ office, I want you to know that we remain more committed than ever to ensuring all our citizens have access to New York City’s great public libraries. We know how important it is that both children and adults are able to access the resources of the library to educate, inform, and inspire.

With that being said, we feel that our message has been twisted. Yes, we have been forced to cut a very small amount of 58 million dollars from our library budget, but we only did that to address the real problem facing our city: the safety, security, and dignity of all New Yorkers. Especially, their safety when trying to get to the library. To solve this problem, we have pumped 62 million dollars into a special NYPD task force.

Which is why, just in time for Pride, I am thrilled to announce that our brand new 17 million dollar NYPD subway security robot is gay.

The real problem is not that New Yorkers won’t be able to access books from our libraries (which remain open between the hours of 10 am and noon with an hour break at 11 for lunch), it’s making sure New Yorkers can safely get there. This is where Eduardo, our out and proud gay subway security robot comes in. Representation is more important than ever, which is why LGBTQ New Yorkers should feel fully accepted and affirmed by the security robot that will tackle you for going through the emergency door.

The problem isn’t millions of children falling behind in reading because their local libraries closed, the problem is New Yorkers not feeling represented by the NYPD officer who stops and frisks them every day on their way to work. But that cycle stops with Eduardo. Before Eduardo hands you a $500 ticket for accidentally spilling coffee on the 4 train, he asks for your pronouns.

We’re committed to making all New Yorkers feel safe. Except homeless New Yorkers. Eduardo hates homeless people. Even if they’re gay. Other than that, Eduardo loves everyone. Sorry, I meant to say he loves tasing everyone. Eduardo comes fully armed with a state-of-the-art taser, which has been outfitted with rainbows just in time for Pride. As you fall to the ground after being tased for thinking about hopping the turnstile, you’ll stare into the vacant grey face of a multi-million dollar gay subway robot, knowing that if you came out to him today, you’d still have a place at his Thanksgiving table.

You can’t go to the library on Sundays because budget cuts will force them to close, but more importantly because you don’t feel safe. To be clear, we’re not asking if you don’t feel safe, we’re telling you. We want all New Yorkers to feel safe to be themselves in public spaces. Not libraries, but generally everywhere else.

So instead of taking out a book on LGBTQ history this month, or supporting a local queer author by checking their book out from the library (because after today we definitely won’t have it), why not ride the J train to hell and back. And while you’re there, make sure you stop and say hi to Eduardo. He is eager to protect you from the evils of homeless people just trying to get a few minutes of sleep.

But whatever you do, don’t make eye contact with Eduardo. If you do, he’ll call you a derogatory slur and then shoot you with a very real gun. We’re still working out some bugs. However, Eduardo’s gun is decorated with the lesbian pride flag. He might be a $17 million dollar gay male NYPD subway security robot, but deep down he’s just an ally doing his best. Happy Pride!