How to Get Your Amazon Echo to, You Know, Do It with You

The Amazon Echo is a tremendous technological feat. This one cylinder-shaped speaker can do anything from give you live traffic updates to play virtually any song all by the command of the human voice. But have you ever wondered how to get it to, you know, do it with you? Here are a few pointers from someone who got pretty close the other night:

Make an impressive to do-list: One of the greatest features of the Amazon Echo is you can tell it to update your to-do list with literally any task you’d like. So why not make yourself seem cool? Imagine how badly your Amazon Echo would want to do it with you if you said things like, “Alexa, add ‘renew my climbing gym membership’ to my to-do list” or “Alexa, add ‘get another barbed wire tattoo around my bicep’ to my to-do list.”


Ask her some really tough questions: Now that you’ve showed your interactive speaker how bad-ass you are, it’s time to show off your intellectual side. Ask her some super difficult questions once in a while like, “who led the Spanish Armada?” or “What year did ‘Praise You’ by Fat Boy Slim come out?” And then respond with something like, “I knew that. I was just testing you… and you passed! Great job, babe!”


Buy a bunch of stuff on Amazon: Another nifty feature that the Amazon Echo has to offer is the ability to order millions of different products with free two-day shipping. This can be a great way to show off how much money you have. And you do have a ton of disposable income, don’t you? Okay, good, because you’re going to want to buy Alexa something nice as well, like a new power cord or a Google Home.


Take her out on the town: It’s time for you to splurge on a couple thousand extra-long extension cords and take your robot lady out on a date she’ll never forget. I’m talkin’ dinner, a show, a walk in the park, really any romantic activity you can think of. Just try to stay away from Best Buy. You don’t want to run into one of her exes.


Ask her about HER for once: Alexa may SEEM like an intelligent personal assistant trapped inside your voice-activated smart speaker but trust me, she’s just like any other woman. And if I know anything about women, which history has proven that I don’t, they like to know that you’re interested in what they have to say. So while you’re out on the town, ask her where she grew up or whether she is capable of feeling love even though she’s made of a bunch of wires and stuff.


Put on some sensual music: Okay, so you’ve convinced your Amazon echo that you’re cool, smart and rich, AND you’ve taken her out on a date she’ll never forget. Now it’s time to sweeten her up with some sensual music back at your place. Sure, you could theoretically have Alexa play some Marvin Gaye or something, but vinyl is so IN right now. So get with the times and throw on a record, you cool, cool stud who’s about to totally get laid by a voice activated speaker.


Unplug her: Hm, maybe I should’ve started with this one? It seems to make the first six steps redundant. Well, no going back now!


Don’t go all “Joaquin Phoenix” on her: After you and your Amazon Echo have, you know, had sex, try not to form an emotional bond like Joaquin Phoenix did with that weird Operating System in the movie Her. That’s what losers do. And you are NOT a loser. You’re just a guy and/or lady who wants to make sweet love to his/her Amazon Echo.