The Audition: Aiming to Prove That It Is Possible to Make New Friends After the Age of 40

The role:  Friend.  Bring your A-game, as this could be the gig of a lifetime for you.  Literally.

 

The casting directors:  My husband Rusty and myself, aiming to prove that it is possible to make new friends after the age of 40.

 

The setting:  Our kitchen table.

 

(Excerpts from the directors’ notes follow.)

 

Auditionee #1 – Sarah T.

 

Sarah made a strong first impression.  When asked how she liked her coffee, she replied, “Black, like my Presidents.”  No argument there!  An artist / website designer, Sarah disarmed us with her witty banter and upbeat personality.  A level of comfort was quickly established.  It was going very well until she asked, “So since you guys have no kids, who’s inheriting your rent-stabilized lease?  You could adopt me!  I’m kidding!”  Then she burst into manic laughter.  And just like that, those sparkly eyes became crazy eyes.

 

Auditionee #5 – Michael R.

 

Michael, a millennial gay man, had recently gotten over a painful breakup and was looking to “explore new friendscapes,” as he put it.  He brought up his love of classic film and the three of us spent a terrific thirty minutes discussing the work of Todd Haynes, how Antonioni’s  “Blow Up” informed De Palma’s “Blow Out” and just generally geeking out over flicks we liked.  Then he said, “I’m working on a screenplay.  Would you like to read it?”  As he whipped out his iPad, we realized he meant read it now.  “It’s about two men going through a painful breakup.  I’ve completed eighty pages.”  Rusty acted quickly and pretended to get a call from his grandmother (who’s been dead for years).  I married the right guy.

 

Auditionee #24 – Matthew J.

 

At first glance, Matt seemed too young for the role, but we kept an open mind.  This Gen Zer got off to a great start.  He talked about how much he likes “old music” like The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Garbage and The White Stripes – basically the playlist of our youth.  Excellent.  He also seemed to truly enjoy hearing stories about NYC in the aughts – or the “old days,” as he called them.  Unfortunate phraseology aside, Matt’s enthusiasm for music, art and literature was a pleasant surprise and it was at this point that he became our front-runner.

 

Then the conversation turned to politics.  “The 2016 election was the first one I could vote in,” he explained, “and I went with Jill Stein.  I voted for Biden in 2020.  But I don’t know, man…if a viable third-party candidate comes along this year, I might go that route again.  Shake things up a little, you know?”  As I watched the veins on Rusty’s forehead start to throb, I thanked Matt for his time and lied, “We’ll be in touch.”

 

Auditionee #47 – Kaden P.

 

Kaden arrived at the front door wearing a Jason Aldean t-shirt.  Hahahaha!  Seriously, universe?  No fucking way.

 

Auditionee #118 – Ashlee W.

 

Ashlee burst into the room full of kinetic energy.  Clad in yoga pants and a tank top, this slender mother of two was a fireball.  She plopped down and exclaimed, “My husband’s job is so demanding!  And now that both kids are in school all day, I’m looking to make new friends!”

 

I remarked on her Fitbit.  “Oh, I’m obsessed with it!  Gotta get those steps!  I’ve been told I have the resting heart rate of an Olympic skier!”  I joked, “Well, I’ve been told I have the resting bitch face of Anna Wintour!”  Ashlee sternly replied, “That has nothing to do with fitness.”  Suddenly I remembered a comment a Whole Foods employee once whispered to me as we watched a woman much like Ashlee almost knock an elderly man over with her cart.  “Those yoga moms are scary.”  Agreed.

 

The winner:  Sean G.

 

Sean is a fortyish writer who landed the role without an audition.  He’s left-of-center politically and has a great sense of humor.  Like us, he likes a lot of older indie music, but is also open to discovering new stuff.  He’s charming, he’s a good conversationalist and we’re certain that Sean doesn’t have any weird baggage or personality traits that are going to catch us off guard down the road.  How are we certain of this?  Rusty created him using AI.

 

We’d like to thank everyone who auditioned.  Next Tuesday’s callbacks have been cancelled.