We Don’t Have Coke. Is Cocaine Okay?

Hello! Tibb, party of 4? Follow me. Right this way. Here’s your table. Let you guys settle in. There you go. Good good good. It’s nice, right? I love the centerpieces here. Don’t know where they get them. I’ll have to ask. Always meant to. I’ll let you know. And the light fixtures too. Love them. Love the lighting. Probably worth a fortune. Yeah. Sturdy table. Cool carpet. Big, uh, walls. Never noticed the ceiling before. Way up there. Look at that. Wow. What was I… ? Oh! Right! I’m Jom, I’ll be your waiter this evening.

Be right back with your dinner menus. Would you like to start with a drink instead of water first? Ready when you are. Which is now. Ready now. No rush though! Take your time. Ready when you are, ready when you aren’t. And I’m used to waiting. Pretty good at it. I am a waiter. Whole job, innit? There’s other stuff too though. People don’t know. Lots of stuff. Other than waiting. Oh yeah. Like hurrying. Remembering orders. No but really whenever you’re ready is fine. And I’ll remember it and I’ll hurry back. Waiter’s promise. No but really. All good. Go whenever. I’ll wait. Really.

You want coke? Good one. Ha! Asking for coke. I love that. Like you think I have coke in my back pocket. And then I’d say “here you go!” and pull out a lil bag. Let you test it. Rub it on your gums. I love that. This is a fun table. This is gonna be a really fun table tonight, huh? I mean, wow. You guys are my favorite table of the day so far. Maybe week. Maybe month. Maybe all time. You should see the other tables. We don’t get up to stuff like this. We get up to nothing usually. Regular dining. This is what I like to see, though. Advanced dining. “I want a coke.” You guys kill me. Gosh. Anways, you want an actual drink instead of water? Be real this time.

“Coke?” You still want coke? This guy. Can’t help himself. What are you, a cop? Huh? You wearing a wire? Well let me say this loud enough for them to hear it in the surveillance van: We don’t have coke here! No coke! The kitchen and wait staff do not carry coke. We do not all do cocaine. We are not all constantly doing cocaine on and off the clock. Is that what you think of us? There’s no leftover coke residue on my fingers and nostrils. There’s not fifty to a hundred bricks of coke in the walls of this restaurant. Okay? I’m serious. No! The jokes over. It’s not funny. Am I smiling? Okay I am smiling but am I laughing? Okay I am laughing but I’m serious. No coke jokes.

Let’s start with her drink order instead. Skip this guy. You go last. Would you like to start with a drink instead of water, ma’am? Huh? What’d you say? I can’t hear you. Speak up. What’s the matter, you’re not thirsty? No, I said INSTEAD of water. What do you want besides WATER?

You’re good with just water? Oh. Just plain water? Okay. No, we can do that. That’s cool. And you too sir? Just water? No fun drinks? Nothing with caffeine? We have sparkling. You want just still water, not even sparkling? No carbonation? No, I’ll get you some disgusting tap water. It’s fine. No problem. It is free, you’ll appreciate that. Kind’ve a metal taste though. I’ll bring some lemon out. On the side for you. Yeah. Cool.

Listen, I see you guys looking like “uhhh this is awkward” ‘cus this guy always starts something with the waiter. And I’m the waiter, I’m like “uhhh I’m having a weird day at work, this guy keeps bothering me about coke.” He’s a joker, isn’t he? One in every deck. And I’m tense this week, you know? I’m having a bad week. I’m having the worst week and I took the bait and that’s on me. I guess I gotta watch out for guys like you, mister. Or maybe you gotta watch out for guys like me. Maybe that’s it. Shoot, I could take him. How tall are you? Stand back to back, no shoes. C’mon. Kick off your shoes. Don’t cheat. What’s the matter, you afraid I’ll kick your ass so good you’ll fall in love?

Hold up, hold up, hold up. I take it back. I take it back. Put me down. Thank you. It’s okay. I’m okay. Everybody sit down. Let’s not get sidetracked. This is a restaurant. We come to this place…for meals. We come to drink, to eat, to laugh. Because we need that. All of us.

Look, I know why the vibe changed. I challenged him to a fight and I’m sorry. Whispered a few things under my breath I shouldn’t have. You heard those? Well I should’ve kept those to myself. Or even better yet, whispered them softer. I yelled them? Wow. Was it loud? I have no memory of that. But I believe you. Sounds like something I’d do. Again, sorry. Look at it this way, in another universe we’re all siblings. Or I’m the dad and you’re my kids and all the women are my wives, okay? Whichever.

Forget that. Let’s just go to the next lovely lady. Would you like to start with a drink instead of water first, ma’am? You look parched. Seriously. Whatever drink you like. Don’t be shy. I’m the waiter, I’m not your fitness instructor. Order whatever. I won’t tell. You look like you’re in good shape anyways. You guys all do. Beautiful table. Have a cheat day, ma’am. You deserve it. Live a little. We have soda, tea, coffee, anything. Anything you want. Ask and you shall receive. Are you thinking? What’s wrong? Just order. I’m here to take orders. Order me around. I like it. Gets me going. Please. It’s cheat day. Let’s celebrate. It’ll be our secret. I beg you. Decide. Now. Live. Laugh. Love. Three. Two. One. Tick. Tick. Tick. BOOM. Time’s up. What’ll it be? On the house. For my new friend.

COKE?! I wanna see a warrant first! Do you have a warrant?! Show me a warrant! Table full of undercover cops right under my nose next to the cocaine under my nose!

What?

Ohhh you meant “Coca-Cola!” The beverage! Yeah we have that. Of course. Oh wait, no we don’t. We don’t have Coke. Is Pepsi okay? Great. Oh wait. It was right here. Just a minute ago. Huh. Okay, wow, no Pepsi either. I’m sorry. Probably some Dr. Pepper here somewhere. Here it is! Finally, yes. Do you like Dr. P or diet Dr. P? We have both. Oh wait, we have neither. Yeah I was hallucinating, we have nothing. They sold all the inventory to buy more cocaine. Do you want cocaine? We have lots of that, actually, we have mostly just that. It’s not a drink but you will get very high. I don’t recommend it. You’d like some anyway? Not for sale, unfortunately. No, this is all mine. Bye!