15 Things That Are Unquestionably True at the Gym

Assuming the spread-eagle position in public is perfectly okay when done so for your health.

Walking at 2.0 with a 0.5 incline while watching HGTV and fantasizing about white wine is a serious workout.

The calorie count on the treadmill is never wrong.

The calorie count on the treadmill is always wrong.

You put on 5 pounds since you started going to the gym because you’ve “gained muscle,” not because you’ve also started eating 7 meatball sandwiches a day.

You really did burn 900 calories on the elliptical. It has nothing to do with the fact that you entered your weight as 450 pounds.

It’s perfectly reasonable to take up the entire stretching area. You need that space. You earned it.

Crazy Eyes over there is not staring at you. Ignore him. He’s not going to follow you home and murder you. It’s all good.

Your butt looks great in those pants.

Screaming when you do deadlifts is a natural display of your impressive athleticism. No one is disturbed by it.

The warped-looking Cosmo you just picked up was not recently jizzed on in the men’s locker room.

There is nothing ironic about taking the elevator to your step class.

That personal trainer did not cringe when he looked at you. He just has a weird facial tick. Or something.

Nobody saw you roll off that exercise ball. Nobody is laughing hysterically on the inside.

The tethered safety clip on the treadmill is put there for the sole purpose of annoying the shit out of you. Tie it into knots. Show that fucker who’s boss.