Yes, The Other Team Is Bigger. Yes, They’re Undefeated. But We’ve Got 290 Unique Cheers
For coach’s speech!
Fellas, tonight we play the middle school championship basketball game. Now before we go out there, there’s something I want to talk about…
We’re gonna lose! Lose! This game!
And we are not ashamed!
Yes, I know, the game hasn’t even started yet. But I’d be a lying musical theatre teacher turned basketball coach if I said we stood a chance against Andersonville. Those kids are huge! And they’re REALLY good at the game of basketball! But you know what they’re not good at? Choreographing 290 distinct cheers!
We can’t shoot, we can’t dribble,
But this cheer’s a snack, so take a nibble!
Nom nom nom nom!
And you KNOW we’re bringing the snacks tonight! As for Andersonville, well, they’ll bring the basketball. Let’s be honest, they’re going to outplay us in every way. I know that because their coach has a background in coaching real sports. But that’s okay, Chesterton Cheetahs, because we are—
“B” to the “A,” “A” to the “D”!
We’re bad at sports, but good at rhym-ing!
Tonight, we’re not going to worry about “points,” “dribbling,” or “only having 5 players on the court at one time.” Tonight, we’re going to focus on beating them at a game they have no idea they’re even playing: Auditioning for the Tri-State Cheer-Offs. And if that means forming a 15-person pyramid in the center of the court for “King Tut, King Tut, you got nothing on us,” then by golly, we are going to build that pyramid.
Some people say, “Why did your team spend all season learning 300 cheers instead of practicing layups?” But those people were:
“C” to the “U” and give me a “T,”
What were they, boys? Cut from the team!
Ultimately, we’ve got 290 cheers when you subtract the 10 that got banned due to pyrotechnics. But look: Andersonville can make their parents proud by winning the game, and we can make your parents proud by relentlessly surprising them with cheer after unique cheer. It’s a win-win!
Cheetah Pride, Cheetah Pride!
Beware the sound of our Kitty Cat Cry!
Meeeee-OWWWW, Kitty Want Milk!
Yes! Purr loud and proud, my sassy little Andrew Lloyd Webber Cats! But remember: we can’t lose focus! Ball goes out of bounds? Launch right into “Outbound and Down, We Shake It All Around.” Someone makes a layup? Pick one of the 20 cheers listed in your “wrist coaches.” And don’t forget the unique, guttural chant for each minute that passes on the game clock. We’ve only got 36 minutes of game time to get through all 290 of these things! So no matter what: don’t stop cheering. If you’re guarding someone, that means you’re not cheering. AND YOU SHOULD BE CHEERING!
Five hundred twenty-five thousand,
Six hundred minutes!
Sorry, that wasn’t one of our cheers. That was “Seasons of Love” from RENT, my favorite musical.
Hands in. Now, I was going to keep this a secret until halftime, but I’m just too excited. I invited an official representative from The Guinness Book of World Records to this afternoon’s game! She’s a distant cousin of mine, and she’ll be counting each and every one of our cheers. If we can pull this thing off… not only will we qualify for the Tri-State Cheer-Offs, we’ll be immortalized in the Guiness Book! Ha, in your face, Andersonville!
I am the BEST!
Because I have BESTIES!
Better than the REST!
Don’t you TEST ME!
Let’s go, Cheerin’ Cheetahs, and set that record! On “3”! 1, 2, 3:
Our chances of winning are out the door!
Five six seven eight,
We’ve got 290 cheers on our plate!
Woo! Chesterton Cheetahs!
Nick DiMaso is a comedy writer and performer in Chicago, IL. He’s also now your friend! His humor piece “Research Participants Wanted (To Beat My Ass)” was named a Finalist in Slackjaw‘s Humor Writing Challenge in 2019. Nick is also a performer with The Second City’s House Company, “TWISTY.” You can read his goofs on Twitter @nickdimaso.