5 Life Hacks You Can Totally Ignore Unless You’re the Extraterrestrial Arthropod Controlling Chris Matthews

Sure, for many millennia now, your species has evolved into a perfect specimen of efficiency and simplicity—a model that has served you well as you inhabited hosts from all across the galaxy. But all that ain’t gonna matter one good goddamn when you lose your luggage at the airport, and your Chris Matthews bodysuit has to walk around for two days without a toothbrush. We wouldn’t want Mr. Matthews to wear out his welcome, would we?

While you are a small, cryptic myriapod without eyes or pigment, Chris Matthews needs his booze to maintain his rosy glow. Not the very least to mention, the sugars from alcohol have many parasitical benefits. So freeze some grapes, toss a couple of them bad boys into your wine, and take a good, Bostonian sip—hey, there’s a whole new side to Rachel Maddow you’ve never seen before.

If you live inside Chris Matthews long enough, you’re going to damage some furniture. It’s inevitable. Keep this tip in your back pocket and don’t let him eat all the nuts!

You traveled 750,000 light years just to discover Chris Matthews has the worst employee kitchen etiquette you’ve ever seen. Help him get back on Greta van Susteren’s good side and clean the fucking microwave.

Dammit, Chris Hayes always walks into your office just as you’re clicking that NSFW link! And between you and me, he can be a bit of a tattletale. Best to just close it out and play it cool; talk about the long history of your home planet, Tholgar-Seven. He will be reassured by Chris Matthews’ insane babbling and go away. A simple CTRL+SHIFT+T goes a long way in avoiding Chris Hayes’ balls-to-the-wall righteousness.