Alternatives to Marrying Up

Marry Sideways

You marry someone with the exact same education, socio-economic status, and income. You never fight about money, but you resent each other equally.

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Marry In Circles

You marry and divorce the same person over and over. You get to wear your wedding dress multiple times, but your divorce lawyer is the only one who rewards your loyalty.

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Marry Kitty-Korner

You marry your childhood neighbor. Since you know everything that’s happened to them, you don’t have to excavate any of their childhood wounds, but your parents already hate each other.

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Marry Inward

You marry yourself. You never have to compromise on dinner, but no one believes you when you say you’re having marital issues.

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Marry Into Abstraction

You marry someone with a PhD. You have lively dinner parties where your spouse talks about their research training pigeons to read MRI results, but neither of you have dental insurance.

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Marry At Sea Level

You marry a modern-day pirate. Your spouse surprises you with loot from hijacked cargo ships, but when you go out for a romantic dinner, you sheepishly return the silverware they nabbed from the restaurant.

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Marry Out Of This World

You marry an astronaut. Their job never fails to impress you, but you spend the rest of your life listening to people ask them how to pee in space.

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Marry Against The Current

You marry a salmon. Your spouse never bores you with long, pointless stories about someone named Mark from accounting, but instinctively swims upriver after copulation.