Wrestle-Maniac
In the world of professional wrestling, each season has to come up with a new way to hype up show, get the fans rabid and get the ratings up. They are reaching out to fans from Austin, TX to Easton, PA; up to Marcella, AR, down to MIA, FL. We’ve seen grudge matches, cage matches, chair matches, table matches, ladder matches and exploding barb wire matches (google it) but those wrestling organizations have to keep coming up with new ideas to bring in the fans and maybe even get appointed to some presidential administration job. So, let’s take a look at some ideas for next season’s pro wrestling tour:
Electric Fence Match: The ropes are replaced with electric fencing. This won’t be used for tag-team matches or anything using metal folding chairs. And they only use as much power as half a data center.
Banana Peel Match: In what would be a perfect cross promotion with the Savannah Bananas, the wrestling mat would be covered with banana peels. Let’s get ready to pratfall!
Nicholas Cage Match: Trapped in a locked pen, the wrestlers have to fight one another but have to REALLY over-react to everything.
Ping-Pong Table Match: Like a table match, only it’s a table tennis and they have to keep the ball in play while smashing each other with tables.
Broken Glass Match: For really important matches, the wrestling arena would get all “Die Hard” and have the barefoot wrestlers grapple on a mat covered with broken glass. Man, the blood capsules will be flying!
Loose Lego Brick Match: Much like the Broken Glass Match, only worse.
Kids Night Wrestling: Look, if you have boys, you know those kids are running around the house wrestling anyway, why not let them take it to a real ring?
Ice Match: Picture a ring set up on a frozen floor. And when you bring out this many people to fight, maybe a hockey game will break out.
Peter Pandemonium: Wrestling, but they’re all on wires, flying around the ring. If you believe in wrestlers, clap your hands!
The Mat is Lava Match: put some couches and coffee tables in the ring and the wrestlers have to pretend the floor is lava and wrestle. You don’t get pinned if you hit the match, you get incinerated.
Trap Door Night: Seriously, how has this not come up before?
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I’m a writer and live in New York City. Downtown New York. Very downtown New York. Okay, I live in Staten Island. Armed with only my wits and a keyboard, I’ve written for Cracked Magazine, The Adventures of the Galaxy Rangers, Prairie Home Companion, Mad, TMI: Hollywood, and other stuff.
