Six Signs You’d Make a Great Vampire

 

There are probably vampires lurking out here, you’ve surely thought to yourself while walking home late at night from yet another depressing Tinder date or from your brother Keith’s place, where he was acting super smug about his hot wife and his four (4!) bedroom apartment. What if one of those vampires tries to attack me and suck my blood and turn me into a vampire, too?!  Well, the latest research shows that if you have at least four of these six traits, you should probably just go ahead and let it happen. Vampire life will suit you to a T!

1) You absolutely can’t stand garlic —

In normal, everyday life, your disdain for “the stinking rose” probably annoys your friends, family, and all the restaurant staff you come into contact with. “Is there garlic in that?” you ask about literally every dish, like you’re a child. There was that one time in Rome that your brother still rags you about, when you asked a waiter if the spaghetti aglio e olio contained garlic, and the waiter, with the most withering look imaginable, said, “Aglio is Italian for garlic,” and you just said “Oh,” and your brother laughed so hard some of his negroni shot out his nose. As a vampire, this irritating, juvenile trait will become an asset, because avoiding garlic is already second nature to you — you’ve been doing it all your life. Plus, you’ll be drinking HUMAN BLOOD every damn night! Who’s laughing now, Keith?!

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2) You sleep on your back —

Back sleeping has done some major damage to your love life, since it exacerbates your insanely loud snoring, which more than one girlfriend has dumped you over. “Why can’t you just roll the fuck on to your side?!” your brother Keith has asked you more than once.  But if you were a vampire, this negative would become a decided positive. Back-sleepers take to coffins like ducks take to water and everyone knows that women are attracted to men who sleep in coffins. Bring on the casket!

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3) You’re anemic —

All your life, your brother was considered the handsome, tanned, athletic one, while you were pale, sickly, and weak — and had the low hemoglobin to prove it. But what better way to fix an iron deficiency than with a steady diet of fresh blood? Maybe you’ll feel so strong from all that blood you’ll finally be able to stick to a fitness regimen like Keith is always saying you should.

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4)  You are honestly incapable of waking up early in the morning —

Have you been fired from multiple jobs for not being able to make it to 9 a.m. meetings? Has your own brother called you “lazy” “good for nothing” and “completely fucking worthless” more times than you can count? As a vampire, you’re supposed to sleep all day. Take that, Keith!

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5) You loathe seeing your own reflection —

Does catching a glimpse of yourself in a shop window send you into a days-long shame spiral? Do you wonder why Keith, although four years older than you, still has all his hair, while you look like that cat from the Austin Powers movies? If so, then joining the ranks of the bloodthirsty undead is a great idea! When you look in the mirror you won’t see your weak chin, acne scars, or receding hairline — in fact, you won’t see jack shit! Self-esteem AND sibling rivalry issues? SORTED.

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6) You look like Robert Pattison, Antonio Banderas, or Wesley Snipes in his prime —

Hahahahaha. You definitely look like none of these people and we both know it. But not to worry! Real-life vampires aren’t nearly as good-looking as their Hollywood counterparts. They aren’t even as good-looking as your brother, Keith. You’re gonna fit in just fine.