Sometimes it’s too hard to tell!
One of the most disturbing new social trends is twin-fidelity, in which a pair of identical twins share a single identity in order to engage in a fraudulent romantic partnership with another unaware person.
Before you Google whether or not that last sentence is true, please skim the below exhaustive list of red flags that the person you’ve been coupled with is actually a couple in and of themselves —i.e. a duo of secret twins masquerading as one. You never know until it’s too late!
– Your partner forgets most everything that you say.
Deceitful twins must choreograph a complex yet delicate dance of tagging each other in and out of the room whenever your back is turned, so they can’t possibly debrief each other on every conversation, argument, or important task they agree to do. They mess up – big time and all the time – and they cover up for this by saying things like, “oh I forgot all about that” or “thanks for the reminder.”
Yeah, uh huh, you’re welcome…to BOTH of you…
– Your partner is tired and/or out of breath sometimes.
Does this scenario sound familiar?
You and your husband step into the elevator for your favorite fancy rooftop restaurant. Once you arrive at the top floor, your husband politely ducks around a corner to “let out a sneeze,” but when he returns, he’s extremely sweaty and out of breath. When you inquire about why this is, he mutters something about the building’s thermostat setting, and he refuses to discuss the matter further.
Your husband’s secret twin just had to hoof it up sixteen flights of stairs while wearing a suit, you idiot. You do the math.
– Your partner answers to their own name and sometimes exactly one other name.
Every once in a while, a passerby on the street might call out to your partner, but with a name that’s not at all the name you’ve been calling them. Your partner might then briefly turn toward that person, but quickly look away and pick up their walking pace in the opposite direction.
The first time this happens is easy to disregard, but when the fifth person in a two-block radius uses that specifically incorrect name to greet your partner, something shady is afoot — your partner’s two feet are really four feet because they’re a person times two, goddammit!
– Your partner is competitive at certain activities.
Because your partner’s wrestled for food scraps since sharing their twin’s umbilical cord in the womb, they will forever exhibit a competitive edge at any and all sports or games. You really want to know the sad but true reason that your partner is such a solid teammate on any given trivia night? No, they don’t possess a “certified genius-level IQ,” nor are they “just a curious trivia buff” — they’re a secret twin, they always have been, and always will be.
This also explains why your partner nips at your hand every time you reach for food on their plate — typical twin behavior, let me tell you from way too much personal experience!
– Your partner always has plenty of time for you.
This is actually one of the few benefits of dating a secret twin, and you can actually force them into being two places at once if you’re manipulative enough. Use their deceptive lifestyle to your advantage and start demanding that your husband/wife run errands on opposite sides of town at the same time…and then watch them (and their filthy look-alike sibling) seemingly bend space and time to keep up with your impossible tasks!
– Your partner just walked in the room with a totally different hairstyle than the one they had a few seconds ago.
Ok, this one’s kinda on you. Remember the first time you slept at your partner’s apartment, and in their closet they had exact doubles of every outfit they owned, down to matching stains and holes? Those were the good ol’ days — when your back-stabbing doppelganger partners truly cared about tricking you — so they paid attention to the tiniest of details. But as the years went by, they got lazier — one twin packed on a few pounds or went through an annoying blonde phase, and they’re just hoping that you’re tired and overwhelmed by modern life to notice. Jesus, have some self-respect and romantically attach yourself to a pair of con artists with a better work ethic.
I can put you in touch with such people. Email me!
– You watched an interesting Netflix docu-series about twins and clearly saw your partner and their twin in numerous interviews talking about how they are definitely twins.
At first you thought, Well, I’m no Steven Spielberg, so I don’t know much about filmmaking. But I’ve seen plenty of actors plays twins of themselves in movies and TV shows for the past 50 years. Maybe what I just saw was some sort of fancy Hollywood editing trick! But now you’re reading this article and you’re learning (because I’m telling you) that that’s not how documentaries work. It wasn’t “some special FX or whatever,” like your partner screamed at you, right before they smashed your modem to prevent you from binging the remaining episodes of that docu-series.
Face the music, toots — you’re dating doubles…and now it’s time to get single!
If the above list helped you realize that you’ve fallen madly in love with two people instead of one person — stay calm and remember: this is all totally ok and normal. Twin-fidelity will continue to become more common in American life, primarily due to articles like this one, which provide valuable ideas and inspirations for morally-depraved twins who are curious about running their own fake relationship scams.
Hey, as I’ve told both of my secret triplet siblings, it’s a crazy world out there, so be careful who you trust and whose advice you listen to!
Brock LaBorde is an LA-based writer/producer who’s been lucky enough to create content for MTV, Comedy Central, Cracked.com, Crackle, Octopie, and Machinima. His latest project is an animated series called SpaceWorld, starring Tommy Wiseau and Greg Sestero. GQ called him handsome once (and only once).