Testosterone Screenings & Other New Military Tactics to Keep Troops “Lethal”
A reimplementation of the newly re-named “Lindsey Graham Memorial Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” policy.
“No Girls Allowed” military church services featuring Pastor Doug Wilson and a Summer “shirts optional” policy.
Looksmaxxing services to optimize hypermasculine features, including jawline enhancement, pectoral enlargement and cum gutter definition.
A return to wholesome, gender-segregated, recreational facilities, allowing servicemen to privately blow off steam, their wives, and each other.
An encouragement to perform the bonding ritual of “grab ass”.
Mandatory partnered gym time and skin to skin contact, with a work-up focus on tight glutes and thick necks.
A reclassification of any homoerotic dalliances to be known as happening under “the fog of war”.
Weekend, on base screenings of films promoting brotherly bonding, including Top Gun, Platoon, and Priscilla Queen of the Desert.
A full redesign of military grooming standards and uniforms under the strict advisement of the Tom of Finland Foundation.
Introduction of the “combat circle jerk”, in which ejaculations are regulated as a team to promote brotherhood and a “strong biological foundation” together.
An expansion of health benefits outside of testosterone access that includes Rogaine, Viagra and gas station Horny Goat Weed.
A requirement that each soldier state “no homo” before every sanctioned kissing practice drill.
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