Best of 2023

A Camel Explains Why You Can’t Handle Dry January Like They Can

Here I am, going on my breezy morning pace in 120 degree weather and suddenly I hear some grunting around the caravan about some “Dry January” that humans are doing? I almost threw off the human on my hump hearing this nonsense! I knew mankind has had some superiority complex since they were cavemen, but I’m drawing a line in the sand right here. What makes them think they can handle a whole month without water? They’re not cut out for the No-2-O lifestyle that animals like me are built for so for them to make a whole month’s challenge out of our lifestyle. Well, that’s just par for the course for these idiots that give mammals a bad name.

Let me tell you, a month long—no—a life-long drought is no walk in the desert. Well, I guess it is. But regardless, humans are just too weak to handle a month without water. From what I’ve heard about y’all, you have some sort of fountain that is in every building and sometimes outside. In fact, I’ve heard you all make such a mockery of water, you’ve built decorative fountains you throw metal coins in to make wishes in. And don’t get me started on…waterparks? Learning all of this about you guys is offensive and just shows you can’t bear to go a full month without water. There’s no slides for me and my humps to go down, just dunes where you can destroy your ACL if you’re not graceful like me. The straw that broke my back for me is the disgusting wet T-shirt contest. Throwing buckets of water on high-quality Fruit of the Loom t-shirts just to see outlines of human humps? If I wasn’t so dry, I would cry tears about this whole idea. You people couldn’t handle the hardcore no-water life I live every day out here in these warm, dusty streets.

To be clear as water, the dry lifestyle does have its perks. We don’t have the awkward “watercooler talk” at the office because it doesn’t exist. Not once have I talked about the weather with one camel in my caravan and it’s been great! But also not having jobs does help with that too. Plus, we are committed to 100% plastic-free waste around here so we don’t have half-empty water bottles next to our beds like y’all do. And the best thing? I’ve never been thirsty in my life. Ever. Just thirsty for cute camel Camille of course.

I wish I could say the rest of my species was as dedicated to the dry cause as I am, but that’s not true. Take my old buddy CamelBak, who now owns a successful water bottle brand. I used to go to camel school with that guy. We would get into the craziest dry shenanigans, you wouldn’t believe. Like, one time, we huffed sand together. We would scam vacationing white people by saying we gave free camel rides, and then throw them off and take their backpacks, that was hysterical. One time I even saw his mom without her saddle on, that was kind of weird–but hot. Anyway, he turned out to be a sellout. He went against every moral and conviction we were raised with and now he profits off of water. It’s sickening. His entire family has cut him off. His mother never wears her saddle anymore because she’s let herself go because she’s so sad. You really do find out who your real friends are.

Meanwhile, some camels you might not have gotten along with as calves, grow up to have a good hump on their back. Like Joe Camel of Camel cigarettes. Joey’s doing the lord’s work, that camel. Dry as can be, and is really helping people become even dryer. That’s what we should all aspire to. That is what humans who are participating in Dry January should aspire to.

So even though I don’t think humans are strong enough to go without water for an entire month, I’m not gonna be a cranky cactus and gate keep my secrets. My advice for if you’re looking to go dry, drink alcohol. I’ve found that it tends to mimic the same physicality of drinking water, if that’s the thing you’re missing. And, drinking alcohol is way more fun than drinking water if you ask me. I bet you won’t even be thinking about drinking water once you start drinking alcohol! And remember, if you end up falling off the hump and give in to drinking water, don’t sweat it. You can always start again with Dry February.