Buy My Book, It Will Protect You from the Coronavirus, Says Author Whose Public Appearances Have All Been Canceled

This is it, the big day. My debut novel, Unattached, has finally hit the shelves, and I have an important message for my loyal friends, family, followers, and you, that random guy crossing the street over there.

Buy my book!

What’s that, random guy crossing the street? Why should you buy my book? Because it will protect you from the coronavirus, that’s why.

Am I a doctor? Don’t be silly. I’m an assistant quality control technician at a stapler factory. What does that have to do with anything?

How can my book protect you, then? Well, for one thing, it’s such a compelling read you won’t want to leave your house, and if you don’t leave your house, you can’t catch anything. So you get to lose yourself in an intricate tale of love and betrayal in the paper fastenings industry while protecting yourself from a disease so new you can’t possibly be immune to it yet, and in six to nine months, I get $1.92 for the sale. Win-win, amirite?

Yes, I know J.K. Rowling makes way more than $1.92. That’s not the point.

The point is that if you buy my book, social distancing will be a breeze. Ever since I wrote it, reviewers won’t touch me! My agent won’t return my calls, either, let alone leave his new remote office in an undisclosed location. Even my own mother has started ignoring my texts, and she gets a friends-and-family discount.

No, you don’t get a friends-and-family discount. You’re just a random guy who recently finished crossing the street and is now backing away from me.

You don’t want to talk to me anymore? Listen, bud, I don’t want to talk to you either, but it’s not like I have a choice. I was supposed to sign at a half dozen bookstores and speak at the Tucson Festival of Books this month, only they all canceled on me, saying they were afraid of catching the coronavirus or something. Do you know how many book buyers attend the Tucson Festival of Books? More than 100,000, that’s how many.

And none of them will return my calls anymore, either, which tells you just how powerful the protective properties of Unattached really are.

So buy my goddamn book already. It will protect you from the coronavirus, unwanted visitors, love, joy, happiness, and everything else that would make life worth living if it wasn’t trying to kill you.