A Conversation Between My Teeth And Tongue After I Accidentally Bite Myself
Tongue: Wow, this meal is sooooo good! My tastebuds are getting hard and wet. It’s an umami orgy up in here.
Teeth: Up, 2-3-4! Down, 2-3-4! Up, 2-3-4!
Tongue: Mmm, so good.
Teeth: Chomp, chew, mash! Great work, team.
Tongue: Is this a party or what? Woo-hoo!
Tongue gets in the way of teeth and is bit.
Tongue: Ow, I’m bleeding!
Teeth: Tongue, you idiot, you have one job: don’t come near me when I’m chewing!
Tongue: You bit me!
Teeth: You knew what we were doing, you real-life version of Jabba the Hutt.
Tongue: That really hurt. I can’t believe you bit me. Argh!
Teeth: And I can’t believe how stupid you are. I mean, it’s not like you have any practice with this whole eating process. We’ve only been doing it for – oh, I don’t know – our whole lives!
Tongue: Gross, all I can taste is blood. Ow, that stings.
Teeth: I was doing my job, everything was going perfectly and then you decided to come crashing in like the goddamn Kool Aid Man!
Tongue: You keep talking to me like that, I’ll knock your teeth out.
Teeth: Try it, you pink slug. You’ll get more than a tongue lashing.
Tongue: You’d have to be armed to the teeth.
Teeth: Well, that’s pretty tongue in cheek, for an idiot like you.
Tongue: Well, teeth, you better… bite… your… tongue. Yeah. Take that!
Teeth: Man, I can’t believe how stupid you are. You tongue-tied, open-faced turd sandwich.
Brain: Knock it off, both of you! Tongue, watch where you’re going. You’re like an overly excited, uncoordinated child in a bouncy castle. You’re all over the place. And Teeth, do you have to masticate with such wild desperation? My God, it’s like you think this is an eating contest. I’ve seen horses eat apples with more grace and poise. Look, I’m sorry, I’ve been really stressed out lately. I shouldn’t lose my temper like that. We need to stick together. This is a time for unity. A time to move forward. A time to –
Tongue: Ow, he bit me again! In the exact same spot!
Teeth: Your idiocy is astounding.
Brain: If anyone needs me I’ll be trying to self-induce an aneurysm.
Jason Garramone is a writer and all-around comedian. He enjoys laughing and making others laugh as well.