If You Hire Me to Be Your Social Media Manager, I Guarantee I Will Decrease Your Online Presence

Traditional social media managers make grand promises of growing your internet presence exponentially. They work for million-dollar brands, pushing $75 hair oil and leggings with the butt cut out into the shopping carts of unsuspecting slobs. But not me.


I don’t work for influencers, or brands, or really anyone who wants more social media followers. I work for the common scroller who realized one day that the internet would be a vastly better place if Aunt Jean stopped commenting “looks like you’ve been eating well” on your vacation pictures.


Are you sick of being perceived online? If so, I am the social media manager for you. If you hire me to run your profiles, I guarantee I will drastically decrease your online presence in 3-5 business days. I’m like Superman if he rescued you from a burning building and then dropped you into the middle of the Atlantic. Or like Batman, doing whatever it is that Batman does.


For guaranteed results, I use the SLOP method. SLOP isn’t an acronym. SLOP is a meticulously researched and scientifically-backed social media strategy that involves me posting pictures of SLOP to your social feeds every 15 minutes for 30 days.


My clients have seen unprecedented success once I implement the SLOP method. When your followers suddenly become spammed with pixelated pictures of buckets and buckets overflowing with unidentifiable grey goop, their follower count will drop faster than a closeted Republican Senator’s pants in the bathroom of a Milwaukee, Wisconsin gay bar.


Not satisfied with complete irrelevance and want to upgrade to the “Banned Forever” package for just $75 more? You got it. I will change your username on every platform to @luvgenocide12.


I will give myself an oozing elbow rash and post it to your LinkedIn. I will post a picture of cat vomit to your local buy and sell group with the caption “Anyone have any ideas?” and get you kicked out forever. There is no Facebook post from 2009 that I won’t comment “miss those days, take me back” on. There is no pyramid scheme that I will not post on your Instagram in exchange for special cream to clear up the self-inflicted oozing elbow rash.


Just DM me your social media passwords, bank passwords, and social security number, and I’ll instantaneously blow up your online presence, steal your identity, and hop on the quickest flight to a country with no U.S. extradition laws.


The only platform I don’t manage is Twitter. If you want to decrease your Twitter engagement, just tweet.