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CARTOON: New Hot Spot

Deserted Dessert? 5 stars. Today's cartoon by Lars Kenseth.

A Conversation Between My Teeth And Tongue After I Accidentally Bite Myself

Teeth: And I can’t believe how stupid you are. I mean, it’s not like you have any practice with this whole eating process. We’ve only been doing it for - oh, I don’t know - our whole lives! Tongue: Gross, all I can taste is blood. Ow, that stings.

CARTOON: Feeding Time

Don't forget the Tabasco! Today's cartoon by Tyson Cole.

After Years Of Tireless Service And Dedication, I, Your Metabolism, Have Decided To Quietly Quit

Bid farewell to your favorite snack foods. Hungry? Satiate yourself with six almonds and a stick of celery. Welcome to flavor country, partner.

How to Store Fruits and Vegetables

Tomatoes: It’s best to store your tomatoes at room temp. Putting your tomatoes in the fridge will transform them into water balloons of cold, wet, vegetal sand. At this point you can blend them into gazpacho, a cold, wet, vegetal broth that you’ll piss out in 21-22 minutes.

How To Prepare Your Meal Kit Dinner in 25 Infuriating Steps: A Tutorial

Step Six: You just cut yourself. Take a minute to go grab a band-aid, and get back to hand-shelling your own peas, you wuss.

CARTOON: Bird Brunch

How fowl! Today's cartoon by Dan Misdea.

#HeavyMetalMenuItems

David Lee Broth, Slayer Cake, Korn Muffins, and more #HeavyMetalMenuItems on this week's trending joke game!

Big Dave’s XXL American Buffet Is Back And Better Than Ever!

Hey, we’re still the Big Dave’s XXL American Buffet you know and love. We just have a different name, menu, exterior, interior, theme, staff, and overall ethos, but other than those things, we haven’t changed one bit. So we invite our loyalty reward members, formerly The Plate Posse, now “The Olive-garchs,” to please stop by and see us real soon. We’ve missed you!

CARTOON: Original Tastemakers

Nutty texture with a burning mouth-feel... Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

Your Favorite Orders on Timeless, the Time-Travel Food-Delivery Service

Recession Special from the Greenwich Village Gray’s Papaya, 2002: Our courier will bring you two hot dogs and a “banana daiquiri” drink whose taste is scarcely even related to banana. It won't be spoiled; he picked it up from 2002 five minutes ago, then jumped into his time-traveling Chevrolet Impala.

Despite the CDC’s Warnings, I, Hannibal Lecter, Expect to See You at my Thanksgiving Dinner

You will have to wear a mask. Diseased meats taste worse. And we don’t want the pigs to taste badly.

An Oral History Of The Time Dylan Miller Ate Nine Deli Sandwiches

Rebecca Johnson (Dylan’s then Girlfriend): Dylan always seemed more interested in sandwiches than me. Dylan Miller: I was definitely more interested in sandwiches than Rebecca. We were not a good match. 

The Dip Is Gone, and Therefore I Must Depart

I didn’t come to mess around. I didn’t come to mingle with two dozen amateurs who can’t handle their dip. Everyone kept asking each other what they do for a living. What do I do for a living? I eat dip. Why else on God’s green earth would I be here? I don’t care that you’re an accountant.

We, the Leaders of the Beef Industry, Have Invented Our Own Impossible Burger

While products like the Impossible Burger have received rave reviews for their similarity to meat, we’ve gone a few steps further to ensure our vegan patty is identical to its beef cousin in every imaginable way.

New Product Ideas From The Makers of  “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!” Who Are Losing to The Clean Food Movement

“I Can’t Believe You Thought Coconut Oil Would Taste The Same As Butter” “Potato Chips Count As Paleo. Sure." And more.

What Your Favorite Salad Dressing Says About You

Ranch Dressing: You miss living in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Light Ranch Dressing: You sometimes miss living in Tulsa, Oklahoma. and more!

Julia Child’s Hangover Cure Recipes 

By the time you piece together the hazy events of last night, you, my dear, will realize that you are in fact the tart in this simple French dish. To “flambé” your tarte, simply add a generous pour of any liqueur of your choice –bypassing the use of a blow torch or flame of any kind—and voila!

Don’t Mind Me As I Hover Over Your Table, Waiting For You To Get Up

I’ll just stand here, a few feet from your table, not-so-subtly pressuring you to get up so I can finally sit down with my tray. My spicy chicken sandwich grows cold; my strawberry shake begins to melt.

CARTOON: Valentine Smarts

Chocolate Heart Inflation. Today's cartoon by Alexis Novak and Jason Chatfield.

Charles Barkley Banned From Vegas “All You Can Eat” Buffets

Hall of Fame basketball great and hoops commentator Charles Barkley…

Yelp Reviews of The Last Supper

Categories: Mediterranean Locations: Jerusalem Attire: Casual Good…

11 Amazing & Exciting Gluten-Free Foods!

Gluten-Free Russian Potato Vodka Gluten-Free Corn Chips Gluten-Free…

Give Peas a Chance

ENOUGH! Alright, kids. Listen up. I’ve been listening to you…

An Open Letter To Cilantro

Dear Cilantro,    Touché. You’ve done it again.…

Jack Sprat Could Eat No Fat

Jack Sprat could eat no fat. He had high cholesterol, and his…