Take Me Out to the New & Improved Ballgame

As the new season gets under way, we’re discovering other new rules that Major League Baseball is enacting with the hopes of making ball games more exciting and quicker, along the lines of the new “pitch clock,” larger bases and a shorter overture. Here are some of the other rule changes to expect

Itch Clock: a timer which will cut down on the number of times ballplayers scratch themselves during their at-bats.

Infield-is-Lava: Every third inning, the infield is declared “lava” and if a base runner steps out of the baselines or off a base, they’re out.

Designated Winner: If the game gets too boring, the umpires will declare a winner and everyone gets to go home to beat the traffic.

Nickel Beer Night: The MLB doesn’t like to admit it, but this discontinued concession promotion made for some really exciting games, so it’s coming back!

Mercy Rule: This one was a long time in coming. If your team is getting clobbered at an embarrassing pace, the game ends. Everyone gets to go home to beat the traffic.

Stadium Organ Solos: they’ll be sped up by putting the organist on cocaine.

Fifth-Inning Stretch: Formerly the seventh inning stretch.

Zipline Substitutions: Instead of waiting forever for a new pitcher to reach the mound, he’ll zipline in from the bullpen.

Shorter Commercial Timeouts: Commercials during games will now be run at 1 1/4 speed to hurry them along.

Coffee-breaks: They’ll be substituting coffee for Gatorade in the dugouts to keep the players wired.

Curfews: They’ll be declared to keep night games from dragging on.

MLB will be instituting these new changes over the course of the season to ensure that everyone can beat the traffic home.