A Father’s Day Gift Guide for Dads who are Men who Like Man Things
Dads are notoriously impossible to shop for. How can you show Dad you appreciate him without making him feel like effeminate gentlewomen who have feelings or like flowers? If you’re looking for a gift that says “Here, I got you this man thing for men” or “you’re definitely not a mom, you’re a dad” or “most of what I know about you is your gender,” we’ve put together the perfect list of suggestions:
A tie that has been sweated on by Harrison Ford.
A golf club that is also a rifle.
A novelty mug that says, “I’d rather be clubbing a moose to death with its own antlers.”
A reenactment of his favorite scene from Rambo
An apron embroidered with the phrase “License to Grill” because grilling is categorically different from cooking (which is of course for ladies only).
A sports hat with his favorite sports team logo signed by his favorite sports man.
A steak so rare it is just a live cow and a butcher’s knife.
A beer-making kit that self-destructs if he tries to brew anything other than IPAs.
A book about one of the three dad-approved topics: Baseball, Winston Churchill,andTrickle-Down Economics.
Bourbon aged exclusively in oak barrels that used to hold gunpowder.
Cologne that smells of ash, raw leather, mahogany desks, and bull semen.
The cigar that was supposed to blow up Fidel Castro.
The smallest and most impractical wallet you can conceive of, constructed entirely of scrap metal and wood from the Trojan Horse.
An electronic photo frame with cool high-tech features that counteract the overly sentimental habit of having loved ones.
Hot sauce so spicy it will absolutely ruin whatever you put it on.
A pillow made with feathers from the ducks you killed after Dad left you alone in the woods for three days on your thirteenth birthday.
A nicer and louder lawnmower than that asshole Frank has.
An atlas with all the pages ripped out, lest you insult him by suggesting he does not already know every route and shortcut on this green Earth.
A keepsake album filled with photographs of monster trucks, whiskey stones, and Viking artifacts.
A blacksmithing forge.
A subscription to a steroid-of-the month club
And no matter what testosterone-affirming gift you decide on, don’t forget the heartfelt pièce de résistance that truly defines this sacred holiday: a Hallmark card with a pun about tools.
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Rebecca Turkewitz is a writer and high school English teacher living in Portland, Maine. Her short stories, essays, and humor writing have appeared in The Masters Review, Chicago Quarterly Review, Catapult, The New Yorker’s Daily Shouts, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, and elsewhere.
