Best of 2023

Detective, if You Mess up 18 or 19 More Times You’re off the Case

Now you’ve done it, Rodriguez, the mayor is up my ass on this one! This is the third time this week your shoot first, ask questions later attitude has resulted in a soup kitchen being destroyed. People are starting to ask questions down at city hall. The first $20 million in damage nobody noticed, but the bills are starting to pile up and get people talking. You are on thin ice Rodriguez, and I can only stick my neck out for you for a few more decades, you hear me?


We have rules around here, you get one shot, and then another, and then another, and then several more until you are out on your ass. I run a very tight ship, with many, many exceptions. If I had done half of the stuff you have done Rodriguez, my chief would have sent me several strongly worded letters, with capital letters a plenty.


Oh you think I’m kidding? Just because I didn’t fire you after you demolished the Salvation Army headquarters chasing a jaywalker? I was pretty damn close to fining you an hours pay after that. You are lucky you caught the guy and took away one more goddamn jaywalker off the streets, I didn’t think you should have used a Panzer Tank to get him but by god, it worked. But next time you might not be so lucky to be able to use a large military tank to capture a man who committed a very minor, nonviolent, ultimately completely benign infraction.


Look Rodriguez, you know you’re a good cop, I know you’re a good cop, those girl scouts you put in a sleeperhold know you’re a good cop, but that can only keep you here so long. Eventually the mayor is going to wonder if all of your mayhem, destruction, and violations of civil rights and due process are worth the 3% of cases you solve. If you want to stay on this running a red light case, you have to stay above board.


I can’t afford to possibly lose this job Rodriguez, I got a wife who is 4 or 5 of my affairs away from leaving me, and If I lose my job she will definitely consider having a brief conversation with me about our relationship. If you keep this up, the mayor is going to come down on me with a slap on the wrist so light it’ll make your head spin.


I am probably going to regret this, but I’m going to give you back this rocket launcher. But I need you to promise you will try your very best not to use it more than a handful of times, otherwise you’ll be fired…from the softball team. You’re a damn good softball hitter so I would hate to have to kick you off the team just for blowing up a few lousy private residences.


Now keep it clean to keep the mayor out of my, city hall out of my ass, the press out of my ass, and everyone else out of my ass!


Do I make myself mildly clear? Feel free to disagree completely.