A Friendly Reminder on Dressing for Air Travel (Since We’ve All Forgotten)
It’s time to bring humanity back to air travel, one tasteful ensemble at a time, even when the system is buckling under delays, cancellations, shrinking seats, and the occasional passenger unleashing their inner velociraptor.
As Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy puts it, if we all dressed more respectfully on airplanes, civility would bloom like a rare orchid in a TSA bin.
DO Dress Like You’re Attending a Moderately Important Funeral
Black slacks, a crisp blouse, maybe a tasteful brooch that suggests you, too, long for a simpler time. The airlines will notice. The other passengers will notice. Even the jet bridge, that metal esophagus of despair, will whisper, “noice”.
DON’T Wear Pajamas, Even If They Are Cashmere
Yes, you paid $160 for them, and they feel like being hugged by a cloud, but pajamas tell the world that you have given up, and according to the Secretary of Transportation, that is how society crumbles. First PJs, then Crocs, then the collapse of the social contract.
Yes, you paid $160 for them, and they feel like being hugged by a cloud, but pajamas tell the world that you have given up, and according to the Secretary of Transportation, that is how society crumbles. First PJs, then Crocs, then the collapse of the social contract.
DO Wear a Jacket with Many Pockets
This shows preparedness. Also, it helps you store essential travel items: boarding pass, snacks, emotional support mints, and that sense of pride you lost when you removed your shoes in front of strangers. A pocketed jacket is a statement: “I am both stylish and ready to survive in the overhead compartment for several days”.
This shows preparedness. Also, it helps you store essential travel items: boarding pass, snacks, emotional support mints, and that sense of pride you lost when you removed your shoes in front of strangers. A pocketed jacket is a statement: “I am both stylish and ready to survive in the overhead compartment for several days”.
DON’T Wear Anything That Requires Assembly
If your outfit has ties, laces, snaps, buckles, clasps, toggles, or a user manual, consider simplifying. At 5 am in an airport bathroom, no one has the emotional energy to watch you reconfigure yourself like a complicated Transformer.
If your outfit has ties, laces, snaps, buckles, clasps, toggles, or a user manual, consider simplifying. At 5 am in an airport bathroom, no one has the emotional energy to watch you reconfigure yourself like a complicated Transformer.
DO Accessorize Thoughtfully
A scarf? Lovely. A hat? Why not? A monocle? Now we’re talking! A monocle communicates that you support civility, elegance, and perhaps maritime law. Nothing defuses air rage faster than someone polishing a monocle while saying, “Steady there, old chap”.
A scarf? Lovely. A hat? Why not? A monocle? Now we’re talking! A monocle communicates that you support civility, elegance, and perhaps maritime law. Nothing defuses air rage faster than someone polishing a monocle while saying, “Steady there, old chap”.
DON’T Wear Clothes with Slogans
We are trying to reduce conflict. The plane is not the place to advertise your views on sports, politics, religion, or whether pineapple belongs on pizza. Save that for Thanksgiving, where emotional turbulence is expected and drinks are free if you pour them yourself. Besides, no one wants to declare an emergency landing because your tee started a philosophical riot in row 17.
We are trying to reduce conflict. The plane is not the place to advertise your views on sports, politics, religion, or whether pineapple belongs on pizza. Save that for Thanksgiving, where emotional turbulence is expected and drinks are free if you pour them yourself. Besides, no one wants to declare an emergency landing because your tee started a philosophical riot in row 17.
DO Wear an Outfit That Suggests a Backstory
Perhaps a mysterious trench coat still wet from the rain, or a Victorian explorer ensemble complete with a compass you consult gravely every few minutes. Let fellow passengers wonder if you’re returning from an expedition, fleeing one, or about to lead a coup in the airport Chili’s. Intrigue is civility’s silent partner.
Perhaps a mysterious trench coat still wet from the rain, or a Victorian explorer ensemble complete with a compass you consult gravely every few minutes. Let fellow passengers wonder if you’re returning from an expedition, fleeing one, or about to lead a coup in the airport Chili’s. Intrigue is civility’s silent partner.
DON’T Dress Like You’ve Just Escaped a Time Portal Malfunction
An outfit that contains elements from five different centuries, such as a toga, flapper beads, a neon windbreaker, and a medieval gauntlet, sends a confusing message. People may assume you’re unstable or, worse, auditioning for a reboot of “Quantum Leap”. Keep your temporal alignment consistent unless you want the air marshal to take an interest.
An outfit that contains elements from five different centuries, such as a toga, flapper beads, a neon windbreaker, and a medieval gauntlet, sends a confusing message. People may assume you’re unstable or, worse, auditioning for a reboot of “Quantum Leap”. Keep your temporal alignment consistent unless you want the air marshal to take an interest.
DO Bring a Prop That Implies Responsibility
A clipboard works, but a leather-bound tome labeled “Passenger Compliance Ledger” works even better. Periodically make notes while nodding sagely at nothing in particular. This will inspire others to behave, as humans instinctively fear paperwork they don’t understand.
A clipboard works, but a leather-bound tome labeled “Passenger Compliance Ledger” works even better. Periodically make notes while nodding sagely at nothing in particular. This will inspire others to behave, as humans instinctively fear paperwork they don’t understand.
DON’T Wear Clothing Made Entirely of Aluminum Foil
Yes, it’s shiny and it’s crinkly. But dressing like a human leftovers packet is a surefire way to alarm the crew and possibly interfere with the plane’s wi-fi. Also, if you reflect too much light into the cockpit, the pilot might think the sun exploded, and that’s a lot to put on your conscience.
Yes, it’s shiny and it’s crinkly. But dressing like a human leftovers packet is a surefire way to alarm the crew and possibly interfere with the plane’s wi-fi. Also, if you reflect too much light into the cockpit, the pilot might think the sun exploded, and that’s a lot to put on your conscience.
DO Let Your Outfits Escalate as the Flight Progresses
To truly fix air travel, dress not just respectfully, but dress aspirationally. Start the flight in business casual. After takeoff, change into something semi-formal. By cruising altitude, be in full evening wear. When the plane lands, disembark in a Renaissance doublet or possibly chainmail. People will see you and think, “Look at that model citizen. I, too, should abandon my athleisure and rebuild civilization”.
To truly fix air travel, dress not just respectfully, but dress aspirationally. Start the flight in business casual. After takeoff, change into something semi-formal. By cruising altitude, be in full evening wear. When the plane lands, disembark in a Renaissance doublet or possibly chainmail. People will see you and think, “Look at that model citizen. I, too, should abandon my athleisure and rebuild civilization”.
DON’T Stop. Ever.
Once you begin dressing respectfully, you must maintain it. Wear slacks to bed. Wear a blazer to shower. Wear a ball gown to renew your passport. Civility depends on you now. You are the last bastion of hope, wrapped in tasteful layers.
Once you begin dressing respectfully, you must maintain it. Wear slacks to bed. Wear a blazer to shower. Wear a ball gown to renew your passport. Civility depends on you now. You are the last bastion of hope, wrapped in tasteful layers.
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J.K. Radomski is a Canadian freelance writer whose words have appeared in newspapers such as The Seattle Post-Intelligencer and The Rocky Mountain News, as well as a number of magazines and trade publications like The Hollywood Reporter. He enjoys one-hit-wonders from the ‘80s, binge watches a lot of TV, drinks Lagavulin, and contemplates the lives of pygmy marmosets in his spare time. Follow him on Twitter @tvwriter
