A Modern Thanksgiving Choose-Your-Own-Adventure

It’s Thanksgiving! You wake up in relatively good spirits, despite the grey cloud that hangs over the holiday in today’s unpleasant political climate. That is, until your mom texts you with the news that your Uncle Randy and his girlfriend Cheyanne will be attending after all. So not only does that mean that your mother needs you to run to the store for more rolls and maybe an extra pie, but now you’ll be faced with your uncle’s drunken, racist rants, along with the fact that it usually seems like Cheyanne didn’t brush her teeth after being up half the night vomiting.

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Do you…

A) Decide to ignore your mother’s subsequent texts and take a couple of muscle relaxers, then crawl back into bed, drifting pleasantly in and out of a Friends Thanksgiving episode marathon. (If so, go immediately to A1)

B) Turn off your phone and sneak a half-pint of vodka into the movies, where you get into a fight with a dad watching over a group of little kids, because you won’t stop drunkenly yelling out that “Frozen should have been titled ‘Frigid’!”, over and over and over. (if so, go to B1)

C) Against your better judgement, head over to your family’s house for Thanksgiving. In order to make a bitter pill slightly easier to swallow, you buy the brand of rolls that you know will irritate your mother. (if so, go to C1)

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A1) After not getting any replies to her texts, your mom begins to worry and sends your dad and younger brother to your apartment to check on you. Finding you in a muscle-relaxer induced haze, they wrap you up and rush you to the emergency room, where your stomach is swiftly pumped by hospital employees agitated to be working on a holiday.

B1) After having your ass swiftly kicked by a guy clearly on edge from having had to wrangle a group of small girls to a Disney movie, you’re arrested and tossed into a cell for the day, which is spent having to endure a series of racist, pro-Trump, anti-immigration diatribes from a group of terrifying, horrible-smelling skin-heads.

C1) You arrive at your family’s home, prepared for the worst. Luckily for you, your Uncle Randy is still on the mend following his most recent heart-attack, and Cheyanne is a bit more subdued following a few months in rehab. Sure, she’s a bit Jesus-y now, but it beats being constantly blasted with her hot-puke breath directly into your face. Your mom is a complete bitch about the rolls, but that’s sort of your fault. All in all, not too horrible.