This year, why not treat yourself and your family to some thanks you can feel really good about?
Here at Rockefeller Turkey Farm, not only are our turkeys vegetarian fed, organic, and free range, they are the only turkeys anywhere who’ve each earned a liberal arts degree.
That’s right, all Rockefeller Turkey Farm turkeys are treated to a complete liberal arts education, starting as eggs with a Montessori curriculum, progressing all the way to that proud day when we send each and every one of our birds away to a four year college at upwards of a five-figure tuition annually.
That’s because Rockefeller Turkey Farm knows, you don’t want to serve your family just any turkey on Thanksgiving. When you sit down to your plate of tradition, you want to sink your teeth into something that you can be sure had a better life than you or your kids will ever experience. With every bite, you want to be sure that this turkey took at least three years of a dead language and ended up with a degree that became almost useless in today’s market. Let’s face it, you want a turkey that would be making more money waiting tables than working any job its college major could be used towards.
If it’s an aromatic bird you’re after, we have a whole range of turkeys flavored with impractical majors like, Philosophy, Poetry, and Anthropology. Just take your pick! These turkeys never thought through what it would be like to actually work in these fields, but they did plan to show you up in front of your spouse at a dinner party you never wanted to attend by outwitting you in a conversation comparing polytheistic religions.
And if you want to try something a little different this year, ask about our new brined turkeys! Each of our salt brined birds got pounded by the recession before returning to our farms, and you can taste the real life bitterness in every bite. These are turkeys that have watched businesses go under, spent time in rehab, and finally landed in recession- proof trades and stable relationships. They’ve found their true calling in life, and now they want to make their way to your Thanksgiving table.
So, this holiday, ask yourself this: If your turkey couldn’t explain the collapse of the Roman Empire while it was alive, how will affect the meat? And, most importantly, why would you serve it to your family?
Rockefeller Turkey Farm. Eat a turkey you’d have a drink with.
Sarah Hutto is a writer whose work has been in McSweeney’s, The New York Times, Shouts and Murmurs, and The Washington Post. Her turnoffs include antidisestablishmentarianism and ghosts. Follow her @huttopian on Twitter.