Advanced Gaslighting: An Ontological Guide

verb to psychologically manipulate a person, causing the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories leading to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem.

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Moonlight

Telling your fully-clothed friend that there is a large hole in the seat of his pants exposing both butt cheeks.

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Headlight

Insisting to your girlfriend that she has not performed fellatio on you for several weeks and is only imagining that she blew you less than an hour ago.

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Highlight

Telling your unconvinced girlfriend that she can’t trust her memory because of the Elon Musk-level dose of ketamine you both took.

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Spotlight

Convincing your dog he still has his testicles despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

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Limelight

Telling a juvenile lemon that it will never ripen because it is actually a lime.

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Streetlight

Informing a homeless person that he’s not actually living on the street, pointing out that technically his tent is pitched on an avenue.

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Crosslight

Telling Dracula that the brass object you are holding in his face is not a religious symbol but rather a plus sign indicating approval of his cool nocturnal lifestyle.

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Candlelight

Selling a moth a timeshare on a white wax condo, saying it stays warm and cozy in the winter.

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Torchlight

Convincing a Klansman his hood is on backwards.

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Fleshlight

Insisting your wife misheard you — you definitely said you were ordering a flesh-toned flashlight.

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Sunlight
Convincing your MAGA cousin it’s safe to stare at a solar eclipse because Bill Gates is just trying to sell more glasses.

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Greenlight

Telling the traffic cop who pulled you over that the light was green when you entered the intersection, and he must be having donut-induced hallucinations.

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Nightlight

Insisting to your partner you only have sex in the dark because it’s more romantic, not because you can’t stand the sight of their face.