Dry January Activities That Don’t Require Alcohol, Just An Unwavering Commitment To Fighting Corruption In The Figure Skating Community

It can be hard not to count the days until Dry January is over and then the first twelve days of February are over so you can finally watch the figure skating events in Pyeongchang. But don’t despair! Here are some fun activities to get you through the month that don’t require alcohol, just a fierce determination to expose the corruption that runs rampant in the world of figure skating.


Watch this year’s Oscar contenders

Instead of hitting the bars on a Saturday night, take a friend to the movies and see something that’s generating Oscar buzz, like I,Tonya. And really, why stop there when there are hundreds of hours of Tonya Harding interviews and skating videos on YouTube? Math is easier to do without a couple of gin and tonics in you and if you watch carefully, you’ll see how her scores really weren’t as high they should have been.


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Use those hangover-free mornings to curl up with a critically acclaimed book like The Official Book of Figure Skating. Becoming familiar with that text will enable you to accurately assess any triple lutz triple toe loop that you encounter. You won’t be drunk, but you’ll wonder if the judges were when they scored some of Tonya’s performances.


Keep a journal

Use a journal to write exhaustive profiles of each professional skater active between 1985 and 1994. It might be time consuming, but it’s good information to have on hand as you delve deeper into the cesspool that is the US Figure Skating Association. Suddenly the judges’ mysterious scores aren’t so mysterious, are they? When you examine each skater’s socio-economic class, behavior off the ice, and even their looks, it’s clear there’s a whole new competition going on and it ain’t skating. This Dry January, take off the beer goggles and the rose colored glasses.


Make some art

You don’t need to be at a paint-and-sip to get creative in how you visualize the fuckery that’s been occuring rink-side. Pin up a large sheet of paper so you can draw a comprehensive graph of every female figure skater’s score in every major competition from the past 20 years. It clearly suggests that the judges play favorites, and Tonya and Nancy are just the tip of the iceberg, baby! That new scoring system they put in place after the 2002 Olympics is just a complicated mess used to distract people from the truth. Nothing has changed! Hahahahah oh my god! Are you seeing these numbers?! For an extra fun touch, color coordinate your graph with jewel tones to brighten up the room a bit, and make the injustice really pop.



Focus your attention solely on the fact that Ashley Wagner didn’t make the Olympic team this year. She performed beautifully in the National Championships, why don’t her scores reflect that?! She skated to music from La La Land for chrissakes! Does this mean her career is over? What about her sponsorships?! It’s happening again, people. Ashley. Fucking. Wagner. Is. Not. Going. To. The. Olympics.


Reconnect with an old friend over coffee

Take your friend to your favorite local cafe and see what they think of Ashley Wagner not making the Olympic team. Actually, who cares about your stupid friend? Get back to your research! This month is all about listening to your body’s wants and needs, and someone NEEDS to get to the bottom of this Ashley Wagner business. Like, does anyone even CARE that these scores are BULLSHIT??!?!


Set goals for the year

This is a great time to focus on your personal goal of singlehandedly restoring integrity to the beautiful sport of figure skating. The Olympics are just around the corner and you’ll be ready. You’ve trained long and hard in your studio apartment, eating nothing but old cereal, calling off work, and avoiding your friends. Your moment is almost here. Who watches the watchmen? Who judges the judges’ table? You do.