All I Had Were Turnips

I know I was supposed to bring an upside-down pineapple cake to the potluck, but I opened the fridge and all I had were turnips. Turnips, a bottle of ranch, and a dead bird I found in the yard a few weeks ago. It was alive when I found it, but then it died. No, I didn’t call Animal Control, Debra. I can control the animals I find in my backyard without the government. I hope the PTA likes upside-down turnips with turnip glaze sprinkled with turnip shavings.

I know I was supposed to bring coffee to book club, but I opened the pantry and found a fuck ton of turnips instead. A fuck ton of turnips and a rusted out car muffler. No wonder the Nissan’s been so loud. I brought turnip martinis instead of coffee. They’re delicious! I may have sampled a few on the drive here, but don’t tell that to my parole officer. What did everyone think of Little Fires Everywhere?

I know I was supposed to bring a crudite platter to this wake, but I opened the garage this morning and to my utter surprise there was a whole mess of turnips. Just a pile of turnips, stale fried rice from 1988, and a flash grenade. I didn’t bring the crudite, but I did bring enough turnip soup to feed a small army. My condolences regarding your aunt’s untimely death, Debra. She was a wonderful woman.

I wasn’t supposed to bring a dish to share for jury duty? That’s news to me. You guys should really put a notice about that on the summons. I’d hate to see this all go to waste. There’s enough here to feed a grand jury. Just a little courtroom humor to lighten the mood! I used to watch that show… Toledo Legal? I was going to make a pasta salad with fresh basil, but I went into the barn and there it was. Tom, my ex-boyfriend from college. I haven’t seen him in 20 years but he sleeps in the barn sometimes. Turns out, Tom got evicted a decade ago. He’s been slowly transplanting his turnip operation onto my property while I’m asleep. Charming! So that explains the turnips. When life gives you lemons, make turnip turnovers. Oh. Yes! This man is definitely guilty of second degree murder.

I know I was supposed to bring a cake to your retirement party, but… This isn’t your retirement party? It’s your appendicitis surgery? I thought you got that old thing taken out years ago, Debra. I have some turnips in my purse that melted into a nice stew on the way over. Would you care for a bowl before you let these surgeons cut you open? Tom tells me turnips have curative properties. I should be going. My sister is meeting with her divorce lawyer and I promised to bring a vegetable side. If you’re not going to eat this, mind if I take it with me?