CARTOON: Salty Tales

Hear about the Himalayas? Today's cartoon by Lance Risseeuw.

CARTOON: New Hot Spot

Deserted Dessert? 5 stars. Today's cartoon by Lars Kenseth.

I’m an Egg Bake, and You Peasants Need To Stop Calling Me an Omelet

We are not the same. We are both made with a combination of eggs, perhaps a splash of milk, a variety of vegetables, sometimes a sprinkle of ham, and if you’re disgusting, more bacon than eggs. But that’s where the similarities end. 

CARTOON: Shoo Review

Rude food. Today's cartoon by Zack Rhodes.

Spoiled: A Visual Diary of Compromised Groceries

I left my fridge cracked open all night. Please do not judge me. It was very much an accident and I very much need your help. In our current apocalypse, I can’t afford to throw out anything unnecessarily. After all, groceries are gold, and we will soon be forced to use soft cheeses and gluten free English muffins to barter with Bezo-Muskians for safe passage off Earth! Is it spoiled?

CARTOON: Today's Special

aMAZing. Today's cartoon by Cerise Zelenetz.

Just Desserts (Revenge Bakery Menu)

Key Lyme Disease Pie, Carrot Top Cake, S'ores, and more!


New England Pastries, Baltimore Cravens, Kansas City Beefs, and more #FoodAFootballTeam on this week's trending joke game!

After Years Of Tireless Service And Dedication, I, Your Metabolism, Have Decided To Quietly Quit

Bid farewell to your favorite snack foods. Hungry? Satiate yourself with six almonds and a stick of celery. Welcome to flavor country, partner.

How to Store Fruits and Vegetables

Tomatoes: It’s best to store your tomatoes at room temp. Putting your tomatoes in the fridge will transform them into water balloons of cold, wet, vegetal sand. At this point you can blend them into gazpacho, a cold, wet, vegetal broth that you’ll piss out in 21-22 minutes.

How To Prepare Your Meal Kit Dinner in 25 Infuriating Steps: A Tutorial

Step Six: You just cut yourself. Take a minute to go grab a band-aid, and get back to hand-shelling your own peas, you wuss.


Scabbage, Dead Crumbs, Creature from the Black Legume, and more #GhoulishGroceries on this week's trending joke game!

Worcestershire Sauce Gone Sour from Being Ignored

No, seriously! Everyone’s heard of me, but no one actually knows what I taste like or even how to spell my name! Close your eyes and try to picture it right now. Ha! Told you! No one can spell it!

QaDon's- American Bistro For American's Who Don't Like America

"Spend Your Independence Day Exerting Your Independence From American Values and Basic Human Decency With Our Special Fourth Of July Menu!!!" "Each of our meals is served on a paper replica of the Constitution, perfect for soaking up all of the gooey grease and spills!"

Guide to Summertime Portmanteaus

Skort - a skirt that is also shorts / Jorts - shorts made from jeans/ Jort-Ski - when you ride a Kawasaki personal watercraft wearing jorts (see also, JortRunner) and more!


Ballspice, MS-G String, Sinnamon, and more #SexySeasonings on this week's trending joke game!

CARTOON: Bagel Problems

Get him nice and toasted. Today's cartoon by Jeff Hobbs.

Things That Go Bundt In The Night: Treats To Terrify Your Taste Buds

Magic Ate Ball: A Magic 8 Ball covering in rich, delicious caramel and drizzled with candy sprinkles. When will you be able to pass this beast? Reply hazy.


Ghoul Log, The Hills Have Pies, The Last Gingerbread House On The Left, and more #HorrorAHolidayFood on this week's trending joke game!

CARTOON: Bird Brunch

How fowl! Today's cartoon by Dan Misdea.

The Doctor Says I Need More Cheese In My Diet And That You Can Take It Up With Him If You Disagree Or Think I’m Lying Because I’m Not

You think I’m lying? Well, he actually thought you might say that and he told me to tell you that you can take it up with him if that’s the case. He doesn’t like when people don’t trust his prognoses. Takes that kind’ve thing really seriously. So you can take that up with him.

What Your Favorite Thanksgiving Dish Says About You

Stuffing: Nobody likes you, but no one wants to admit it because we all feel like you need to be there even though you kind of suck. Turkey: You basic bitch. Jello Mold: You're a suburban aunt. And more!


David Lee Broth, Slayer Cake, Korn Muffins, and more #HeavyMetalMenuItems on this week's trending joke game!

Everything On This Thanksgiving Table Is Made From Goldfish® Crackers

The turkey guys! You smell it? Smells, just like the real thing — and bet you’ll never be able to tell it’s made entirely out of Pretzel Goldfish®. But the secret’s in the sauce, folks — there’s nothing a Nutribullet can’t liquify. Six-packs of Disney Princess x Goldfish®, one pack of beer, and bits of Grandma Lottie’s heirloom china make the best, foolproof gravy.

I'm Your Computer Keyboard And I'm Begging You, Please Stop Eating Over Me

If we can’t fix your messy eating, then we’re going to need to amp up your cleaning habits because as of right now, you’re not doing much for me. Your idea of “cleaning” is turning me over, rapidly shaking me, and wiping whatever debris came out onto the floor and straight into the rug.


War & Peach, The Lime Machine, The Karma Fruitra, and more #BookAFruit on this week's trending joke game!


Dickles, Pop-Farts, Vomints, and more #GrossGroceries on today's trending joke game!

Big Dave’s XXL American Buffet Is Back And Better Than Ever!

Hey, we’re still the Big Dave’s XXL American Buffet you know and love. We just have a different name, menu, exterior, interior, theme, staff, and overall ethos, but other than those things, we haven’t changed one bit. So we invite our loyalty reward members, formerly The Plate Posse, now “The Olive-garchs,” to please stop by and see us real soon. We’ve missed you!

These Foods Could Be Killing You!

Hummus: According to experts, 1 in 20 tubs of commercially produced hummus contains a bloodthirsty shark. Hummus companies are not sure why.

CARTOON: Original Tastemakers

Nutty texture with a burning mouth-feel... Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

Here’s Today’s Food Allergy Horoscope

OVARIUS: Breakfast can be hard with an egg aversion. Venus governs the mysterious eighth house of intimacy, due diligence, and rich endeavors. I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean, but look—It is time to change the rhythm of your life. Just don't bother going out to eat with anyone so you can tell them about it.


I've only got pies for you, I lost my pizza can I have yours? Wanna see my dough face? And more #PizzaPickUpLines on this week's #10 trending joke game!


Humplings, Legs Benedict, Flirt Steak, and more #LustyLunches on this week's trending joke game!

CARTOON: Prohibited Produce

Don't even think about it, unless you have a coupon.

Your Favorite Orders on Timeless, the Time-Travel Food-Delivery Service

Recession Special from the Greenwich Village Gray’s Papaya, 2002: Our courier will bring you two hot dogs and a “banana daiquiri” drink whose taste is scarcely even related to banana. It won't be spoiled; he picked it up from 2002 five minutes ago, then jumped into his time-traveling Chevrolet Impala.

Auntie Anne's Starts an OnlyFans

Tier 1 - Snack Me Off - $10.00/month: This entry-level subscription will give you full access to the photo catalogue of our powdered, glazed, and salt-studded talent. Enjoy the long, seductive curves, and girthy pretzel twists that you’ve grown to miss so deeply. Gaze lustfully at our house-made lemonade dripping wet over a mound of long, steaming pretzel dogs. Uh oh, silly us-- it looks like our sweet-cream glaze is oozing all over again. But don’t get full, because it doesn’t stop there. If you buy-in now, you’ll gain access to our newest, sexiest photo-set “The Pretzel Orgy” (these are just photos of pretzels in a big pile).


Catherine Zeta Scones, Jon Hammburger, Dijon Warwick, and more #CelebAFood on this week's trending joke gme!

Despite the CDC’s Warnings, I, Hannibal Lecter, Expect to See You at my Thanksgiving Dinner

You will have to wear a mask. Diseased meats taste worse. And we don’t want the pigs to taste badly.


Brittle Shop of Horrors, Fry Fry Birdie, Pies & Dolls, and more #FoodAMusical on this week's trending joke game!


Scream of Tartar, Oreganoooo, Boosil, Goryander, and more #SpookySeasons on this week's trending joke game!


Lima Screams, The Texas Coleslaw Massacre, Kales from the Crypt, and more #HorrorVeggies on this week's trending joke game!

Suggested Snacks For The Vice Presidential Debate

QAnonfat yogurt dip, KamalaTov Cocktails, Black Olives Matter, and more!


Shart Ribs, T-Boner Steak, Snot Dogs, and more #GrossGrillGrub on this week's trending joke game!

The Dip Is Gone, and Therefore I Must Depart

I didn’t come to mess around. I didn’t come to mingle with two dozen amateurs who can’t handle their dip. Everyone kept asking each other what they do for a living. What do I do for a living? I eat dip. Why else on God’s green earth would I be here? I don’t care that you’re an accountant.


French Nip, BLTease, Jon Hamm & Chesse, and more #SexySandwiches on this week's trending joke game!

CARTOON: Missing Something?

Missing something? Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.


The Mamas and the Pastas, Justin Beefer, David Lee Broth, and more #BandAFood on this week's trending joke game!

All I Had Were Turnips

I know I was supposed to bring an upside-down pineapple cake to the potluck, but I opened the fridge and all I had were turnips. Turnips, a bottle of ranch, and a dead bird I found in the yard a few weeks ago.


Cherry Pieden, Butter Emails, Bundtigieg Cake, and more #DemocratDesserts on this week's joke game!

A Guide to Your Chocolate Sampler Box

Cherry Cordial: Simple and sweet. Like the beginning of a relationship, before it’s clear that your partner is incapable of remembering your Wheaten terrier’s birthday. And more!

I Am the Scallops in This Diner, and Here Are All the Reasons You Shouldn't Order Me

Olivia Johnson wanted to appear sophisticated to her high school friends she hadn’t seen in years. She turned to the last page of the menu, the page where the misfits of the diner hang out. Crab cakes, Kung Pao chicken, and of course, me. 

Italian Dessert Or Communicable Disease

Some have oozy creamy filling, and some are desserts.

We, the Leaders of the Beef Industry, Have Invented Our Own Impossible Burger

While products like the Impossible Burger have received rave reviews for their similarity to meat, we’ve gone a few steps further to ensure our vegan patty is identical to its beef cousin in every imaginable way.


Hater Tots, Scream Beans, & Sweet, Sour, Bitter, Angry Lonely Chicken! It's #MoodyMenuItems on this week's joke game!

PIC QUIP: Give Thanks

Give Thanks, because in an alternate timeline, we are gathering with our loved ones, and eating live pythons. Happy Thanksgiving from Weekly Humorist!


Sinner Rolls, Smash Potatoes, 50 Shades of Gravy, Undressing and more #SexySides on this week's joke game!


Leeches and Cream Pie, Crapple pie, Key Lyme and more #RuinAPie on this week's hashtag joke game!


Haunted Forest Ham, Ghost Beef, Pastrami on Eye and more #SpookySandwiches on this weeks joke game!

New Product Ideas From The Makers of  “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!” Who Are Losing to The Clean Food Movement

“I Can’t Believe You Thought Coconut Oil Would Taste The Same As Butter” “Potato Chips Count As Paleo. Sure." And more.

Fall TV Preview!

America's Fuzziest Home Videos (Sundays, ABC) Home videos that seem to probably be hilarious, but that were filmed so out of focus that it's hard to tell. Adding just the right amount of wacky sound effects will probably help out quite a bit, we hope. You won't be offended at all, though, so take some degree of comfort in that. (Hosted by DJ Jazzy Jeff from his home via Skype)

You Are What You Eat 

When you accidentally eat some egg shell, that’s when your big toenail gets impossibly thick. 

The New Porns

Unwatched 10 episode-per-season, 7-season series on Netflix Porn, Look at me I’m a celebrity who is getting notoriety for something shameful and disgraceful Porn, and more.

CARTOON: Much Latergram

Felt cute, might eat. Today's cartoon by Mat Barton and Adam Cooper.


Horny Nut Cheerios, Bedded Wheat, Porn Flakes and more #SexyCereals on our weekly joke game!

Things I’ve Said About Making Hollandaise Sauce or Masturbating

“I swear I’m going to finish, even if it kills me.” “It’s all about rhythm.” “It’s the perfect addition to any breakfast!” And more!

What Your Favorite Salad Dressing Says About You

Ranch Dressing: You miss living in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Light Ranch Dressing: You sometimes miss living in Tulsa, Oklahoma. and more!


Wedgie Salad, Sneezer Salad, ColeSlaughter and more #SadSalads!

Odd Instances Of Cannibalism In Modern Day Pop Culture

Hollywood Squares, broadcast episode 7/18/83- During repeated shots of Paul Lynde in the center square, the popular comedic actor is seen snacking on loose eyeballs from a small porcelain bowl.


'How To Lose A Pie In 10 Days', 'Dove, Actually', '50 first cakes', and more #RomComDesserts!

Julia Child’s Hangover Cure Recipes 

By the time you piece together the hazy events of last night, you, my dear, will realize that you are in fact the tart in this simple French dish. To “flambé” your tarte, simply add a generous pour of any liqueur of your choice –bypassing the use of a blow torch or flame of any kind—and voila!


Midnight in the Olive Garden of Good and Evil, Tortellini Recall, A Fusilli Good Men and more #PastaFlicks

CARTOON: Spice of Life

We might be in a rut. Today's cartoon by Ellis Rosen.

I Am the Peppermint Cookie From the Cookie Exchange That Makes All the Other Cookies On Your Cookie Tray Taste Minty

I am the peppermint cookie someone brings every year. I have likely been sprinkled or dusted or otherwise imbued with crushed candy cane. That crushed candy cane likely glistens. Perhaps I have an Andes candy baked and melted all up in my innards. For all we know I have been infused with some peppermint extract. No matter what guise I adopt this year, the result is the same. I am going to make every other cookie on your cookie tray taste like it’s been dipped in Listerine. The blue kind of Listerine.

Packaging Copy on Egg Cartons that Allows You to Buy Eggs in Good Conscience

Eggs from hens who listen to assorted podcasts to prevent incubation from being stultifying and who create and innovate using a 3-D printer in the henhouse computer lab.

Rockefeller Turkey Farm- Turkeys You Can Be Proud Of

Here at Rockefeller Turkey Farm, not only are our turkeys vegetarian fed, organic, and free range, they are the only turkeys anywhere who've each earned a liberal arts degree.

CARTOON: Smart Dip

Thinking about a snack? Today's cartoon by Rich Sparks.

Every Show I’ve Pitched Food Network That They’ve Rejected Because They’re Cowards

Does This Taste Like It’s Gone Bad? Country Cookin’ in Cookin’ Country with Casey Cook, Lick Guy Fieri’s Earring and more.

CARTOON: Delicious Magic

From Ordinary Into Extraordinary! Delicious Magic. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

Imagined Notification Texts from Two Startup Meal Delivery Services in the Near Future

12:26 PM from Cuminoids: Looks like Farm 2 Mouth meal delivery just showed up at the same time. Not sure why you have both services going as Cuminoids has everything you could need in our inventory with an emphasis on all things enhanced by Cumin.

REVIEW: Foodies Finally Find Ultimate Comfort Food In ‘School Cafeteria’

After the health food craze of the '80s gave way to the comfort…

The People On This Subway Car Ranked By Deliciousness Should It Come To That

Situations like this can force one’s hand. Now, more often than not situations like these don’t involve eating another person, but if it did, and I’m not saying it would, this is who I’d suggest we start with.

Charles Barkley Banned From Vegas “All You Can Eat” Buffets

Hall of Fame basketball great and hoops commentator Charles Barkley…

Aphrodisiacs That'll Get You Real Horned Up In No Time

Someone else’s leftovers Costco samples A lettuce leaf that…

Yes, We Used Production Assistant Meat as a Mystery Basket Ingredient on "Chopped"

Hello Chopped fans, concerned citizens, and law enforcement officers. …

11 Amazing & Exciting Gluten-Free Foods!

Gluten-Free Russian Potato Vodka Gluten-Free Corn Chips Gluten-Free…

INCREDIBLE! Tide Pods Are More Than A Delicious After Dinner Snack

The following post was found on the Tide Pod Recipes subreddit. It’s…

Death Row Cuisine: Make Your Last Meal Count!

That big day is finally here. The last appeals have been filed,…

Bistro Bistro Is Fully Booked

The first thing to know about Bistro Bistro is that no one answers…

An Open Letter To Cilantro

Dear Cilantro,    Touché. You’ve done it again.…