Originals
Elon Musk’s Personal Notes on Federal Employees’ “5 bullets” Emails
Musk’s notes: Do any of those states have any woke Marxist Democrat Congressmen? If so, fire. If not… what the hell, just fire anyway.
Entries by Andy Schocket
Originals
”Department of Government Efficiency” Job Application
Which of the following most excites you about DOGE? Rank the below choices from “rockin’” to “bitchin’”:
__ Denying food to starving children
__ Cutting off HIV drugs from people who will die without them
__ Screwing with my elder relatives’ Social Security payments
And more!
Originals
Twelve Other and Maybe Better Ways We Could Be Choosing Members of Congress.
Game show: Candidates play ”The Price Is Right” for federal budget items. Pro: Congressional appropriation process would be run by know-it-all policy wonks. Con: Congressional appropriation process would be run by know-it-all policy wonks.
Best of 2024
Yes, I Am the Personal Chef Included With Your Luxury Airbnb, but for the Umpteenth Time, Go Microwave Your Own Damn Hot Pockets
This refusal to microwave your damn Hot Pockets has nothing to do with the fact that I understand that part of my gig means providing execrable comfort food to horde after cretinous horde of gold-plated, silver-spooned, lead-palated philistines like you.
Originals
How Ron DeSantis Will Spend All His New Free Time, Now That He’s No Longer Running for President
Collecting all the Hummel figurines that openly carry a gun. Chainsaw sculpting, carving life-size statues of Samuel Alito. And more!
Originals
College Football Coach Explains at Postgame Press Conference Why He Had Charlie Brown Kick Potential Game-Winning Field Goal
Reporter: Charlie Brown landed pretty hard. How is he, physically? Coach: CB’s tougher than an under-cooked truck-stop chicken-fried steak. When the trainer got out there, CB took one look at him and said, “Good grief!” He’s a fine boy, but sometimes it’s like he’s stuck in the 1950s.
Best of 2023
FixDandy’s Totally Foolproof, Nearly Entirely Safe, and Probably Almost Legal DIY Guide to Ceiling Fan Replacement
Take it from me, your friendly internet-neighborhood FixDandy man: No matter how little experience you have, how badly you’ve botched previous DIY projects, or how many neighbors have sent you cease-and-desist letters, even you can follow my step-by-step guide to install a bit of indoor moving-air heaven.
Best of 2023
Ten Sure-Bet Reality Shows Canceled After Initial Approval
Big Mother- Pitch: Cameras installed in the basements of 15 live-at-home male Gen Zers; the mother of the one who moves out first wins $100,000. Reason for cancellation: After six months of filming, the only activities captured on film were eating DoorDash-ed Taco Bell, video gaming, and masturbating to screenshots of Elon Musk.
Originals
How Dare You Haters Criticize My Hit Country Song, “Trump Will Kick Your Sorry Woke Asses.”
But “Trump Will Kick Your Sorry Woke Asses” is in no way a political song, or anti-anything or anyone. It’s a song about building community, symbolized by the life of a fictional character, who I happen to name “Donald Trump,” who lives in a small town called “Mar-a-Lago,”…