Entries by Andy Schocket

Contract Negotiation Demands of Clown Union Local #3835

Medical benefits: The Company is required to provide at all times an on-site, Clown-certified emergency medical technician (EMT). Each EMT must be equipped with the proper medical equipment, consisting entirely of an over-sized head mirror, a non-operable stethoscope, and a two-foot gas-powered chainsaw. EMT is required to faint at presentation of patient symptoms.

College Tour Script Mad Libs

Hi everybody! We’re in our academic quad, in front of [name of alumni robber baron] Hall. At [name of college], we have a [general education, open, or inscrutable higher education buzzword salad] curriculum. But we have fun courses, too, like when my roommate took [Psychology, Philosophy, or Physics] of [AI, marketing, or patriarchal settler colonialism] and [Taylor Swift, sex toys, or Taylor Swift and sex toys]. 

Gandalf Disbands the Fellowship of the Ring, Blaming It for Rise of “Ring Anxiety” Among Youth of Middle Earth

You may ask, though, do the youth of Middle Earth really have “ring anxiety,” do they follow the news, preferring instead to waste their hours endlessly eyeballing those short scrolls filled with runes of cats doing silly things, “influencers” reviewing the latest in leather aprons, and all sorts of drivel scribed as if by trolls? 

”Department of Government Efficiency” Job Application

Which of the following most excites you about DOGE? Rank the below choices from “rockin’” to “bitchin’”:

__ Denying food to starving children

__ Cutting off HIV drugs from people who will die without them

__ Screwing with my elder relatives’ Social Security payments

And more!