How Dare You Haters Criticize My Hit Country Song, “Trump Will Kick Your Sorry Woke Asses.”

First it was the woke haters going after Luke Combs’s “Fast Car,” then Jason Aldean’s “Try That In A Small Town.” Now negativity is coming my way because of my new #1 country hit. Deep down it’s a song about everyone in this beautiful Nation coming together, if you really listen to it. But for people with the woke mind virus, where my fans and I can see love, all you haters can see is politics, violence, and cultural appropriation. Which is why I feel like I have to explain my new country song set in an idyllic, peaceful small town, “Trump Will Kick Your Sorry Woke Asses.”
The woke mob is complaining that it’s a political song, somehow targeting them. As if you weren’t perfectly happy with political songs by socialist singers like Woody Guthrie, Bruce Springsteen, or Harry Styles—you can’t tell me that Styles’s 2020 “Watermelon Sugar” was anything but hurtful, nasty, and a thinly veiled campaign song for Joe Biden.
But “Trump Will Kick Your Sorry Woke Asses” is in no way a political song, or anti-anything or anyone. It’s a song about building community, symbolized by the life of a fictional character, who I happen to name “Donald Trump,” who lives in a small town called “Mar-a-Lago,” and is being prosecuted in a socialist witch hunt including being charged with 40 counts by an entirely bogus special prosecutor named “Jack Smith.” As you can see, totally made up. Sort of like every Taylor Swift breakup song; why is no one after her?
It’s painful to see how people can twist anything into being “political.” Merely four times in the song does the word “election” appear, and only twice after “2024.” Rarely does the song mention primaries, polls, or direct internet fundraising through Super PACS. In the song’s bridge there’s a veiled reference to a dream I had, which now I can’t remember, when I sing, “We’ll wake up happy on Nov. 3/‘cause Trump will have 500 in the E.C.,” but, for all you woke haters out there, that’s how art works.
Also, I’m sick and tired of woke-ists complaining about violence this and violence that in country music. As the great Waylon Jennings put it in the granddaddy of all country songs–the Theme from The Dukes of Hazzard–“I’m just a good ol’ boy, never meanin’ no harm.” So in the third verse, when I sing, “He’ll kick their asses way down South/Sock those liberals in the mouth,” that’s entirely metaphorical. As are the lines, “You’ll see how high we patriots will be ridin’/When we see Trump literally pile-drive Biden.” And, “After Trump with his own actual right fist leaves Joe’s skull dented//Biden’s physical death will be clinically documented.” Which is the sort of loving, meaning-is-in-the-ear-of-the-beholder artistic imagery you liberals would understand if you hadn’t gone all woke, brainwashed yourselves with DEI, and gave up reading Shakespeare and shit in favor of gay picture books about, like, trans caterpillars.
Finally, all these charges of me and “cultural appropriation” are way out of line. I’m an original artist, and I’ve written every lick (except for all the songs that I’ve recorded, which were written by others), poured my heart out on every stage (lip-synching and air guitar aren’t easy), and earned every penny (which, given that Spotify only pays like .0001 cents a play, and after Ticketmaster’s take of concert revenue, means that I’m still paying off my community college student loans). I have nothing but great respect for and owe nothing to the black artists who came before me, just like my musical heroes, such as Al Jolson, Elvis Presley, and Vanilla Ice. According to my songwriter’s copyright lawyer, in no way, besides possibly parts of the baseline, the vamp to the chorus, the piano throughline, some of the instrumentation of the bridge, the entire rhyming scheme, that little thing the trumpet does every eighth measure, and most of the melody does “ Trump Will Kick Your Sorry Woke Asses” in any way resemble Aretha Franklin’s 1972 single, “Young, Gifted, and Black.” A song which, if you knew anything about music, you’d know this Franklin person covered from some singer named Nina Simone, who, according to my Wikipedia research just now, was black. Tell me this, Mr. Franklin, who’s the real cultural appropriator?
That’s all the time I have to waste on you woke haters. I need to get back to the studio to record my next totally original, apolitical single. It’s called “Smells Like Trump Spirit.”