Originals
Coronavirus Sympathy Cards From Your Brainwashed Facebook Friends
Sorry to hear of your brother’s passing. Why didn’t he ask for hydroxychloroquine?
Entries by Caren Lissner
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REVIEW: Foodies Finally Find Ultimate Comfort Food In ‘School Cafeteria’
After the health food craze of the ’80s gave way to the comfort food trend of the ’90s, niche eateries began focusing on specific childhood throwbacks such as mac and cheese, grilled cheese, and just plain cheese. Still, gourmands may have suspected that one type of nostalgic restaurant was missing – until now. In time […]
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Revised Duran Duran Titles for Generation X-ers Heading into Their Fifties
The Reflux Hungry Like the Wolf, After Fasting for 24 Hours Before a Colonoscopy New Depressing Facebook Post About My Aging Mom — on Monday The Mild Boys Is There Something I Should Know…Not to Take with Mylanta? Save A Prayer…Because This Fall’s College Freshmen Were Born in the Year 2000
Originals
News from the Even-Handed Gazette
(The ‘unbiased’ coverage our leaders have clamored for) Tired of the media focusing on negative stories? Sick of their constant bias toward problems that need fixing? Why can’t they direct all their resources toward showcasing positive things in this country?? Below are headlines from our new even-handed publication, inspired by the coverage your leaders want! […]
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A Conversation Between Two Butts Who Just Butt-Dialed Each Other
1: Hi. I think you butt dialed me. 2: No, I saw your number and called you back. I think YOU butt dialed ME. 1: Really? 2: Yeah. 1: Well, you’re an ass. 2: So are you. 1: I know. 2: I know, too! (pause) 1: So, do you like Donald Trump? 2: Yes. (pause) […]
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John Tyler’s White House Letter To James Knox Polk
Since the election, Americans have been asking what it means to be presidential. For the last several months, social media users have sent around various stately letters from George Bush to Bill Clinton. And recently, the media published Barack Obama’s very gracious letter to Donald Trump. Now, historians have discovered, in the White House archives, […]
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Titles Of Political Satire Pieces I Started This Week And Got Too Depressed To Finish
As I scratch my mosquito bites from last night and watch for signs of encephalitis, I condemn the violence on both sides We at the Guam Department of Homeland Security would like to remind you to shelter in place, look away from the flash, and please take public transit to the beach this weekend because […]
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Revised Storm Names for 2017 Atlantic Hurricane Season
After receiving an executive order, the National Hurricane Center, under the auspices of the National Weather Service and National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, recently updated its 2017 list of tropical storm names. Hurricane season runs from June 1 through Nov. 30 in the Atlantic Basin. Most of the staff resigned or went underground rather than […]
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About Your Claim in the Class Action Lawsuit
To whom it may concern: This is to notify you about a proposed settlement of a class action lawsuit filed in 2010 against the phone company for overcharging between January 1, 2007 and December 31, 2008. A settlement of $8 million was proposed on Sept. 1, 2016. You are eligible to submit a claim if […]