News from the Even-Handed Gazette

(The ‘unbiased’ coverage our leaders have clamored for)

Tired of the media focusing on negative stories? Sick of their constant bias toward problems that need fixing? Why can’t they direct all their resources toward showcasing positive things in this country??
Below are headlines from our new even-handed publication, inspired by the coverage your leaders want!

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325.4 million Americans not injured in mass shootings last month (besides several dozen who were)

Approximately 235.4 million Americans were not killed or injured in mass shootings in November 2017, besides the 166 who were. That number is drastically down from the 624 killed and injured in October. Thus, 99.9 percent of the population worked hard at the office or school last month and came home completely unscathed! The percentage is even higher if you only count adults.

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99.9 percent of America has safe, clean drinking water (not counting Puerto Rico and Flint)

99.9 percent of American has refreshing, clean water that you can simply go to your tap and drink. In addition, you can often choose from more than a dozen brands in that local supermarket — provided it has power (which more than half of Puerto Rico still does not, even three months after Hurricane Maria. But most of us don’t live there).

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Richard Spenser loves his dog

Many know Richard Spenser as a white supremacist who has reportedly been banned from twenty-six European countries. But what most do not know is, he’s an avid bottle cap collector who listens to songs on Spotify and loves his Welsh Corgi, Pepper.

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765,000 planes landed safely at U.S. airports

Have you noticed that the media reports on every single plane crash? Every. Little. Crashing. Plane. But they don’t spend equal time reporting on the safe landings that happen every day. It’s as if they only want to figure out what went wrong so it never happens again! In November, six small planes crashed on U.S. soil, and each one was covered in some media outlet. Those same outlets never wrote about the other side — that thousands of planes landed without a hitch.

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Despite media warnings, most hurricanes turn out not so bad

Fall was nearly always sunny and warm across the country – despite the media’s warnings in June that this Atlantic hurricane season (ending Dec.1) would be “busier than usual.” Except for the severe storms that destroyed homes and families throughout Houston, Florida, and Puerto Rico, most places got a little rain – and if you want rainbows, you gotta put up with the rain! Meteorologists say they need to err on the side of caution to give people time to evacuate, but you know their secret agenda: they’re doing exactly what they’re paid to do.

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Expert puts chance that world won’t end at whopping 90 percent

National security expert Admiral James Stavridis – the former military chief of NATO – predicted in September that the chance of nuclear war with North Korea was 10 percent, a pronouncement sadly covered in several mainstream publications. But it’s not like the world came to an end or something. What they never reported was that there was a 90 percent chance of no nuclear war! The only thing we really have to fear is fear itself (and facts). In addition, no missiles were tested today. And by the time they are, who will be left to report on it?
The odds are, as long as you don’t worry or read the news, everything will be just fi