Titles Of Political Satire Pieces I Started This Week And Got Too Depressed To Finish

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As I scratch my mosquito bites from last night and watch for signs of encephalitis, I condemn the violence on both sides

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We at the Guam Department of Homeland Security would like to remind you to shelter in place, look away from the flash, and please take public transit to the beach this weekend because we’re expecting a sudden uptick in tourism! Tell your friends in other countries to dial 1-800-SEE-GUAM, and remember to duck and cover.

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I’m Donald Trump’s index finger, and I’m resigning from his right hand

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The North Korea Tweets, Charlottesville flipflops, and retweeting mistakes were just meant to distract from Scaramucci, Bowling Green, and corvfefe

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I’m a Magic 8-Ball, and even *I* think the president’s responses to things are inconsistent

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I was your history teacher in fifth grade, and THIS is when you’re gonna use what you learned in the real world, you ungrateful bastards

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We, the seven dwarfs, after watching Sleeping Beauty lapse into a coma due to the Evil Queen’s poison apple, condemn violence on both sides…or was that Snow White…Jesus, what in the hell happened to Sleeping Beauty then? I’m too old to remember that crap. I have a mortgage. Focus. Focus. Where are my reading glasses? Wasn’t I supposed to call my mom’s insurance today to see when she’s due for a mammogram? She wants to know cover once a year or every six months. Wait — is there a way I can make that funny? No, it’s not funny. Focus. Focus. Oh, here’s an idea: “I wish we could go back to the good old days when no one whined constantly for universal health coverage, doctors came right to your door, no one had to pay for MRI’s because they didn’t exist yet, and the life expectancy was 43.” Wait, if we have a war, will my insurance cover potassium iodide pills? Oh, I need to go check the comments on my last political Facebook post to see if my friends are still calling each other Nazis. Hey, is there anything funny in that? No. Focus. Focus. Is Twin Peaks on tonight? Maybe Game of Thrones?

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