Toddler: Speak the first, most important, and only words any female should ever use: “Yes, Father.” Take care of dolls and prepare fake meals in a plastic kitchen. Be a good girl and bring Father another real beer.
Did Trump say he was going to be “a dictator on day one” only a few months ago? Sure, he did. When he says his opponents are “vermin” who need to be “rooted out,” he’s definitely not echoing fascist rhetoric from Italy and Germany in the 1930s. He’s just testing out his latest Benito Mussolini impression before his residency at the Palm.
There are old portraits of someone else’s family hanging on the walls. 2. The kitchen looks fully functional, but none of the appliances actually work. 3. You find a key hidden inside a fake rock. And more!
Tom Brady Quitting: You announce your retirement, spend 40 days at home with three kids, and then announce your comeback.
“Girl, You’re Out of Funds” (Tune: “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” by Cyndi Lauper) …Emailing, in the mornin’ light, / This work-from-home business has ruined your life./ A pyramid scam, an unfortunate one. / Oh, girl, you’re out of funds… Oh, girl, you’re out of funds…
It’s no secret that crime is up, social programs for mental health are nearly eliminated, COVID is back for the 137th time, and the city’s plan to eradicate homelessness by kicking people off the subway isn’t the miracle we’d hoped. But instead of wasting taxpayer dollars on city-wide programs that address the root causes of these real problems, the Office of Emergency Management is proud to present this 90-second PSA on three extremely fucking obvious tips on surviving a nuclear attack.