Originals

Feminist Anthems Rewritten to Accurately Promote Multi-Level Marketing Schemes  

“I Must Sell Out” 

(Tune: “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor)

And now I’m back!

In your inbox!

“I haven’t seen you since high school. Do you want to lose a little weight?



Herbalife is powerful, you’ll drop thirty pounds instantly!

If you don’t buy, I’ll email again, I’ll never let you be!”

No, I can’t go, walk out the door,

Can’t turn around now,

I must sell and sell some more!

“Hey PTA friend, why don’t you give this a try?

I’ve spent a bundle,

Oh, will someone just please buy?!”

Oh yes I, I must sell out!

Bought ten grand of vitamins, now we’re about to lose the house. 

This is no way to live,

Working from home, can’t see my kids, ’til I sell out.

I must sell out, hey, hey!


“Cash Running Out” 

(Tune: “I’m Coming Out” by Diana Ross) 

Cash running out!

I spent all my dough

On leggings, LulaRoe.

Cash running out!

Open the box, and whoa!

What is that smell? B.O.?

Cash running out!

Spent everything I own

On spandex, poorly sewn.

Cash running out!

Crazy designs, oh no!

It’s a phallic tableau!


“I am #GirlBoss”

(Tune: “I am Woman” by Helen Reddy)

I am #GirlBoss, hear me roar.

Got my own pseudo-science store.

And now I’m stuck harassing old Facebook friends,

Claiming essential oils

Can cure cancer! Ebola! boils!

Even that nasty red rash on your rear end.

I am broke! (Broke!)

I am in bankruptcy! (In bankruptcy!)

I am #GirlBoss!


“Girl, You’re Out of Funds”

(Tune: “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” by Cyndi Lauper)

…Emailing, in the mornin’ light,

This work-from-home business has ruined your life.

A pyramid scam, an unfortunate one.

Oh, girl, you’re out of funds…

The phone rings, in the middle of the night,

Lester Holt says, “Dateline wants to bring this to light.”

Primetime TV interview, one-on-one,

“Oh, Lester, I’m out of funds.

Yes, Lester, I’m out of funds.”


“Sisters are Recruiting for the Wealth” 

(Tune: “Sisters are Doing it for Themselves” by Eurythmics)

Now we say we’re a brand 

that liberates 

Stay-at-home moms through selling 

in all 50 states!

But upon closer look,

That’s not 100% true. 

Only the top 1% get paid. 

The only way I make money is recruiting you.

Sisters recruiting for the wealth.

Signin’ up everyone they meet.

Ruining their financial health, yes

Sisters recruiting for the wealth.


“5 to 9” 

(Tune: “9 to 5” by Dolly Parton)

Working 5 to 9, selling magic dirt for a living.

It’s a dumb pyramid scheme, and there’s no winning.

Buy inventory, even if it wrecks your credit. 

You’ll never sell enough to get you out of deb-it.

5 to 9, selling organic potion.

It’s miracle mud, a detoxifyin’ lotion.

Sold your car for a dozen cases no one’s buyin’.

They said it’d make you rich, but they were lyin’.


“We Don’t Own You, You Own Your Own Small Business” 

(Tune: “You Don’t Own Me” by Leslie Gore)

We don’t own you.

You own your own small business, girl.

We don’t own you.

But if you leave, we’ll wreck your world.

And we’ll tell you what to do.

We’ll tell you what to say.

And if you complain about us,

We’ll sue! We will make you pay!


“No Sales”

(Tune: “No Scrubs” by TLC)

No, you don’t get no sales.

No one wants to buy a shampoo that smells like pee.

“This shampoo made my hair fall out!”

The reviews all shout.

Someone call the FTC!

You don’t get no sales.

No one wants to buy, and now you’re working for free.

‘Cause girl, if you’re on the downline,

You don’t make a dime.

Someone call the FTC!

 

by Justine Cotter

Justine Cotter

Creative director and humor writer. Words in @mcsweeneys @The_Belladonnas@littleoldlady__ @thisisrobotbutt (she/her)