The latest buzz phrase coming out of social media is the concept of “quiet quitting,” whereby burned-out or unsatisfied employees put forth the least amount of effort possible to keep their paychecks. – Forbes
You role-play quitting your job with your therapist every week, but you can’t actually quit because without a job, you’d never be able to afford therapy.
Body Double Quitting
You hire your doppelgänger to perform dangerous stunts like crushing briefs, running ideas up the flagpole, drilling down on quarterly reports, and enduring constant “pings” from Brenda in finance.
You encounter a group of magical woodland creatures who spin your straw-man proposal into social media strategy gold while you take a much-needed 100-year nap.
Tom Brady Quitting
You announce your retirement, spend 40 days at home with three kids, and then announce your comeback.
Victorian Era Quitting
You die in a tragic accident due to unsafe working conditions at a late 19th-century textile mill, and you are forced to haunt the building for eternity because of unfinished business.
Looney Tunes Quitting
You over-exaggeratedly type on your keyboard and engage in office hijinks like chasing Woody from accounting around the office to get last month’s paystubs. Then, you wave your hand and say, “Th-th-th-that’s All, Folks!” before running off a glass cliff like Wile E. Coyote.
Stone Age Quitting
You grunt to your fellow Homo sapiens that you’re heading out to track down lunch, and then you hide out in a dark cave to focus on your side hustle: painting wooly mammoths.
Victorian Ghost Quitting
You drift around a hip, new coworking space in a former textile mill with your head in your hands, wailing about your dead-end job as you steal office supplies.
Mad Men Quitting
You have your first glass of Canadian Club whiskey at 10 AM and go to P.J. Clarkes for a three-martini lunch. You tell your secretary to hold your calls and pass out in a corner office with a pack of Luckies.
Spirit Halloween Quitting
You only show up for work during the month of October wearing a Michael Myers mask, so your coworkers have no idea what your face actually looks like. The rest of the year, you rent out your cubicle to a Ross Dress for Less.
Wild West Quitting
You ride in on your high horse at high noon, post your resignation in the center of the break room, and get the heck out of Dodge.
Fake Your Own Kidnapping Quitting
You leave a ransom note made out of letters you’ve cut out of old magazines on your desk. If anyone ever wants to see you or the Excel spreadsheets Brenda has been “following up” on for the past three weeks again, wire one million dollars to a bank account in the Cayman Islands.
HP OfficeJet Pro 4600 Quitting
Every so often, you make a couple of loud screeches like you’ve been possessed by a Victorian Ghost. You never work.
Fast and the Furious Quitting
You produce the same work over and over again, even though it always gets lukewarm reviews. You slightly change the title, hoping no one notices. You never quit.
Creative director and humor writer. Words in @mcsweeneys @The_Belladonnas@littleoldlady__ @thisisrobotbutt (she/her)