Entries by Nick DiMaso


To Say Hi to Someone You Recognize On The Street, or Not?

While walking your dog in the park, you swear you see a person from your weekly adult dance class walking her dog nearby: DO YOU: Your dog is the perfect excuse to walk a little closer to see if it’s an acquaintance with whom you can share a polite greeting. OR Now’s the perfect time to pop open your false tooth and bite into the cyanide pill you’ve been storing for this exact scenario.


Yes, The Other Team Is Bigger. Yes, They’re Undefeated. But We’ve Got 290 Unique Cheers

Yes! Purr loud and proud, my sassy little Andrew Lloyd Webber Cats! But remember: we can’t lose focus! Ball goes out of bounds? Launch right into “Outbound and Down, We Shake It All Around.” Someone makes a layup? Pick one of the 20 cheers listed in your “wrist coaches.” And don’t forget the unique, guttural chant for each minute that passes on the game clock. We’ve only got 36 minutes of game time to get through all 290 of these things! So no matter what: don’t stop cheering. If you’re guarding someone, that means you’re not cheering. AND YOU SHOULD BE CHEERING!

Best Of 2021

In Your Freakin’ Face! I Got Raptured!

Well, this was my revenge plan all along, you dingus! I knew if I kept the faith while you bullied me on earth, I’d get to spend an eternity rubbing it in your face while you got tortured by demons! I’ve always focused way more on the wrath part of Christianity than on the forgiveness part.