Hey Derek! It’s me, Mikey, the nerd you always pick on. Stop looking around the basketball court, turd, and look up to the sky. That’s me, floating up to Heaven in an individual beam of celestial light! I got raptured! And you didn’t!
In your freakin’ face, Derek!
I was crying on the swingset after you threw that dodgeball at my head, claiming you were “helping me get a bug off my face,” when Jesus Christ appeared to me on a big, armored horse to share the news. I asked if you were also getting raptured, and He laughed and said, “No way! In fact, there aren’t any Dereks in Heaven.”
I said, “Fuck yeah, Jesus! That guy sucks ass!” I then immediately regretted swearing in front of Jesus, who was actively deciding who was and wasn’t getting raptured. But get this — Jesus said, “Yeah, Derek really does suck ass!”
Turns out: I can fucking swear — I’m in goddamn Heaven.
Now, as the demons of Hell creep out of the bushes toward you, I bet you’re regretting all those times you bullied me in Youth Group, huh? Like those times you gave me wedgies, splashed water on my crotch to make it look like I pissed myself, and gave me wet willies with your pinkie dipped in cake frosting. You thought you were untouchable as the Pastor’s son.
Well, this was my revenge plan all along, you dingus! I knew if I kept the faith while you bullied me on earth, I’d get to spend an eternity rubbing it in your face while you got tortured by demons! I’ve always focused way more on the wrath part of Christianity than on the forgiveness part.
Man, it’s so cool up here in Heaven. Can I brag for a minute about it? Remember your hero, Michael Jordan? Also raptured. In fact, he’s giving me a piggy-back ride right now so I can continue gloating to you through the Earth Broadcasting Microphone. When I first ascended to Heaven, he insisted that I Air-Jordan-style dunk on him! Tongue out and everything! Wasn’t that always your dream? Well, I just dunked on your dream, dipshit! (Wow, I fucking love swearing!)
Don’t worry about the apocalypse and your condemned soul, Derek. Jesus told me you will get to wear Michael Jordan merchandise, too… as the gaping maw of Hell opens and swallows you to oblivion! Unfortunately, the merchandise is from Jordan’s time on the Washington Wizards!
Also, in Hell, you’ll constantly have a wedgie and real piss in your pants. I asked Jesus if he could ensure it, and he said, “Anything for Heaven’s newest angel.” I hope you like it when people call you “Lil Piss Boy,” Lil Piss Boy!
“Oh, there’s just not enough room for me in Heaven.” Wrong! There’s enough space for everyone — it’s infinite! You’re just not invited! There’s even a whole wing dedicated just for “Derek”s. Unfortunately, no “Derek” will ever see it because, as Jesus and I said, there are no “Derek”s in Heaven.
This is just like when you said I didn’t have enough “popularity points” to go to the Youth Group Dance. I didn’t go because I believed you! Well, jokes on you, because now the first girl I’ll get to grind-dance with is an angel.
And our whole class will get to see it, Derek; you’re pretty much the only one from our school who didn’t get raptured! Even Ms. Venti, our algebra teacher who would put gum in our hair if we slept in class? Yeah, even she got in. Jesus said the bar is “pretty low” to get raptured, which just proves my point that you’re the worst, chode! (Swearing is so fucking fun!)
I bet you thought that, in the end, God would forgive you for all your behavior. No way, butthole! The Big Man is much more like the Old Testament God than The New Testament One. He’s much more “detention” than he is “warning.” Except in this case, “detention” is forever, and with the actual devil!
I need to get going now. There’s a long line up here for people to use this Earth Broadcasting Megaphone to say “I told you so.” Also, Jesus just announced that the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have been released. You’ll get to meet them soon!
Enjoy the flaming lakes of Hell, Derek! In your freakin’ face!
Nick DiMaso is a comedy writer and performer in Chicago, IL. He’s also now your friend! His humor piece “Research Participants Wanted (To Beat My Ass)” was named a Finalist in Slackjaw‘s Humor Writing Challenge in 2019. Nick is also a performer with The Second City’s House Company, “TWISTY.” You can read his goofs on Twitter @nickdimaso.