The Bandwagon vs. The Showboat
And they’re off! The bandwagon and the showboat. A matchup decades in the making, a contest long sought by fans of vehicular sports metaphors. And now it’s here: The Race, presented by Merriam-Webster.
Entries by William Vaillancourt
Music Moments from the Year 2044
June 15: Flannel-Clad Alien Spills Pabst on Voyager Space Probe’s Golden Record: Just a week before moving out of range of human contact, Voyager 1 is found by aliens not so different from ourselves, as one in flannel spills a can of Pabst on the Golden Record. The priceless item is salvaged, thankfully, due to planet Xorbia’s few remaining record players being equipped with a rewind button for time itself. Still, gas cloud elders banish Gary to the eye of Jupiter’s storm for one year.
I, A High-Profile Democrat, Would Very Much Like It If You Allowed Me to Be Clear
Without your approval to be clear, my lack of clarity would require immediate clarification—something I would clearly be unable to provide. You see? The whole thing would be unclear. Is that clear?
Less Catchy Yet More Effective Derivatives of ‘MAGA’ to Lock Up the Election
MSDECA: Make Seats at Drinking Establishments Comfortable Again! The radical owners who run these places, they’re doing horrible—horrible!—things: aluminum stools with no cushions, no backs, no footrests. Stools without any of that or the ability to swivel. You can’t even swivel, folks. Not good.
I’d Much Rather Be Called Racist than Weird, So It’s Time to Insult the Mixed-Race Vice President
I knew the whole “turn Black” thing was a winner. And demanding that someone “look into” Kamala’s ethnicity? That’s some 2015-era birtherism right there. Tried and true. And viola. We’re back in business, baby.
I, Pat Sajak, Have Retired to Spend More Time with My F_ _ _ _ _
Howdy, Finger Sajak. I hear you love to paint, and you have nine siblings? I’m seeing a thumbs up from one of them. Alright then. You three will be going up against last week’s players. You’ve seen them around. Next tossup is worth a half hour of my time. Category is “home appliance sounds.”
Lesser-Known Precursors to Famous Musical Performances
June 1, 1980: Babbling Toddler Bites Head Off Batman Action Figure During “Happy Birthday”
LIST: Old Bands
Rage Against the CPAP Machine, The Villages People, The Bald Eagles, and more!
How To Get Your Rock Band To Hit It Big, Without Getting Better
Crowd Surf: This may not strike you as the best idea when you’re playing at the community teen center in front of a sparse audience of 8th graders with the upper body physiques of Beavis and Butt-Head. Don’t worry. Go ahead and jump, and immediately join the ranks of Bruce Springsteen and Iggy Pop.
The Parents’ Music Resource Center Returns with an Urgent Message: Beware of Billy Corgan This Halloween and Protect Your Pumpkins!
As we outfit our homes and yards with spooky—yet tasteful!—decorations, we encourage everyone to keep an eye out for any funny business. In the year of our Lord 2023, it’s not only the risk of razor blades in apples that still demands our vigilance. It’s also a musician named Billy Corgan who undoubtedly has violent intentions for any and all pumpkins he comes across.
What Other Ex-Presidents & VPs Did With Classified Documents
Aaron Burr: Scribbled furiously over every “Hamilton”, Jimmy Carter: Recycled, Dick Cheney: Turned into wallpaper for secret underground mountainside soundproof bunker. And more!
I, Michael Myers, Want a Restraining Order Against Laurie Strode
I’ve been shot, stabbed, lit on fire, poked through the eye with a wire hanger — the list goes on. All have been her doing. Other acts of violence have been outright demeaning as well. Just last year, while a vicious mob had me surrounded in the street, some old lady struck me with, of all things, an iron. Like I’m just one big joke.
Situations When Breakfast Cereals Other than Life Flash Before Your Eyes
Total — You’ve taken your girlfriend shopping, and after she’s brought everything up to the register, you see the amount you’ll be paying
Quiz: Apology from a Jan. 6 Rioter or Comment After a 6-Hour Game of Monopoly?
Some members of my family are disgusted with me, I made an impulsive decision while on Pennsylvania Avenue, I felt so isolated during the pandemic that I just wanted to do something as part of a group…and more!
Bill Lumbergh Leads a Zoom Meeting
Now, about Slack. It seems there have been some problems lately when it comes to people not responding to messages – how should I say this – quickly. I’ve talked with Bob and Bob about this and we feel like this is a good sign of whether or not someone is a team player. We’re going on month eight of working from home, so by now you should be treating this as if you’re at your desk or otherwise within my line of sight.