Entries by William Vaillancourt


Originals

Music Moments from the Year 2044

by William Vaillancourt
October 22, 2024

June 15: Flannel-Clad Alien Spills Pabst on Voyager Space Probe’s Golden Record: Just a week before moving out of range of human contact, Voyager 1 is found by aliens not so different from ourselves, as one in flannel spills a can of Pabst on the Golden Record. The priceless item is salvaged, thankfully, due to planet Xorbia’s few remaining record players being equipped with a rewind button for time itself. Still, gas cloud elders banish Gary to the eye of Jupiter’s storm for one year.

Originals

Less Catchy Yet More Effective Derivatives of ‘MAGA’ to Lock Up the Election

by William Vaillancourt
August 13, 2024

MSDECA: Make Seats at Drinking Establishments Comfortable Again! The radical owners who run these places, they’re doing horrible—horrible!—things: aluminum stools with no cushions, no backs, no footrests. Stools without any of that or the ability to swivel. You can’t even swivel, folks. Not good.

Originals

I, Pat Sajak, Have Retired to Spend More Time with My F_ _ _ _ _

by William Vaillancourt
June 6, 2024

Howdy, Finger Sajak. I hear you love to paint, and you have nine siblings? I’m seeing a thumbs up from one of them. Alright then. You three will be going up against last week’s players. You’ve seen them around. Next tossup is worth a half hour of my time. Category is “home appliance sounds.”

originals

LIST: Old Bands

by William Vaillancourt
April 23, 2024

Rage Against the CPAP Machine, The Villages People, The Bald Eagles, and more!

Originals

How To Get Your Rock Band To Hit It Big, Without Getting Better

by William Vaillancourt
February 15, 2024

Crowd Surf: This may not strike you as the best idea when you’re playing at the community teen center in front of a sparse audience of 8th graders with the upper body physiques of Beavis and Butt-Head. Don’t worry. Go ahead and jump, and immediately join the ranks of Bruce Springsteen and Iggy Pop.

Originals

The Parents’ Music Resource Center Returns with an Urgent Message: Beware of Billy Corgan This Halloween and Protect Your Pumpkins!

by William Vaillancourt
October 10, 2023

As we outfit our homes and yards with spooky—yet tasteful!—decorations, we encourage everyone to keep an eye out for any funny business. In the year of our Lord 2023, it’s not only the risk of razor blades in apples that still demands our vigilance. It’s also a musician named Billy Corgan who undoubtedly has violent intentions for any and all pumpkins he comes across.

Best of 2022

I, Michael Myers, Want a Restraining Order Against Laurie Strode

by William Vaillancourt
October 13, 2022

I’ve been shot, stabbed, lit on fire, poked through the eye with a wire hanger — the list goes on. All have been her doing. Other acts of violence have been outright demeaning as well. Just last year, while a vicious mob had me surrounded in the street, some old lady struck me with, of all things, an iron. Like I’m just one big joke.

Best of 2020

Bill Lumbergh Leads a Zoom Meeting

by William Vaillancourt
December 3, 2020

Now, about Slack. It seems there have been some problems lately when it comes to people not responding to messages – how should I say this – quickly. I’ve talked with Bob and Bob about this and we feel like this is a good sign of whether or not someone is a team player. We’re going on month eight of working from home, so by now you should be treating this as if you’re at your desk or otherwise within my line of sight.