Bill Lumbergh Leads a Zoom Meeting
Okay, let’s see here. ‘Join Meeting.’ Yes.
Is…hello? Is everyone on? Peg, how many do we have here, it should be…18 today. I see Samir, there’s Tom. Peter, nice of you to join us.
Okay everyone, this shouldn’t take more than a few minutes or so. I wrote in my email this morning why I have to get going early. Did everyone get it? Stephen has lacrosse in Derryfield and it’s the season opener, yada yada, have to schmooze with the moms, that sort of thing.
Anyway, first I want to point out what an outstanding job some of you are doing when it comes to putting the new watermark on your Google Slides. Dom and I have been working through all the kinks, a little of this, a little of that, and we finally got it where it needs to be so that you can use it. So, if you all could go ahead and, uh, use it, that would be fantastic.
Now, about Slack. It seems there have been some problems lately when it comes to people not responding to messages – how should I say this – quickly. I’ve talked with Bob and Bob about this and we feel like this is a good sign of whether or not someone is a team player. We’re going on month eight of working from home, so by now you should be treating this as if you’re at your desk or otherwise within my line of sight.
If you really are having a browser issue, you can’t go wrong with Internet Explorer. Those other ones are a little too…a little too flashy for my taste. And if it’s an app issue, well, reinstalling it usually helps. Like I’ve always said, your smartphone is only as smart as the person using it. So, if there’s no technical problem – and I won’t single anyone out, Michael – if you could save the Netflix and the Hulu for after hours, that would be fantastic.
Which reminds me, actually: even though we’re not in the office, and that’s really, really too bad, we do still have a dress code. What it comes down to is that we feel it improves employee morale, and therefore company productivity. But I’ve been doing some, you know, thinking, about this, and since these are such stressful times, I’ve decided that from now on, Fridays will be Hawaiian shirt day or t-shirt with animals day. So, if you want to, you may participate accordingly. I think Nina in Accounts may have a few top-of-the-line items for just this occasion!
But on a serious note, we will be doing a bit of – how do you say – restructuring in the coming months. Weeks, actually, if the timeline holds. You see, Payroll informed me that we really needed to clamp down on overtime, and Bob and Bob and I thought, “Hey, why don’t we just cut off a few branches instead of, you know, having to rake up a bunch of leaves every weekend,” so to speak. Yeah.
Oh, I almost forgot: a reminder to fill out the Personnel Contact Form so you can be reached if Slack is down or if there’s…another issue there. All we need is your cell, two personal emails, your Instagram and Twitter handles, your LinkedIn, Facebook and any dating site profiles, your Snapchat and Skype username, your Signal, GroupMe, WeChat and WhatsApp number (if different than your cell), your YouTube channel and your TikTok account. Tumblr is optional.
That about does it, so I’m going to go ahead and let you go now. Stephen’s birthday is on Thursday, and since normally I know you all would sign a big, big card for him, instead I’m going to record his game this afternoon so you all can watch it tomorrow morning before work. Shouldn’t take longer than an hour and a half. I’ll be going live on Periscope at 4, actually, if anyone on the 8 to 4 schedule wants to catch it then. Either way, please use a work device so that I can confirm on Hubstaff that you’ve seen it all the way through. Anyway, that would just be fantastic, I know he’d really, really appreciate it.
Alright, I will see you all soon, hopefully in person. But I do have this…feeling that with our luck this year, and with everything that’s been going on, the office would probably, I don’t know, burn down on our first day back or something. Imagine that, yikes!
Okay, thanks for your input, Initech Initiators. Be well.
‘Leave Meeting.’ Yes.
William Vaillancourt’s humor writing has appeared in Robot Butt, The Halfway Post and The Haven, among other places. Coincidentally, it has not appeared in other places as well.