Best of 2023

What Other Ex-Presidents & VPs Did With Classified Documents

Thomas Jefferson

Reread daily in utter shock at what Lewis and Clark really discovered in present-day Oregon

Aaron Burr

Scribbled furiously over every “Hamilton”

Millard Fillmore, Franklin Pierce and James Buchanan

Declassified; all content just a variation of, “Not looking good”

Andrew Johnson

Burned after having secretary retype in blue ink to avoid black and white touching

Ulysses S. Grant

Instinctively encircled and drew arrows pointed at the names of southern cities

Barack Obama


Rutherford B. Hayes

Read disappointingly, as none included the outstanding name “Rutherford”

Woodrow Wilson

Burned after having his wife retype in blue ink to avoid black and white touching

Theodore Roosevelt

Rolled into cylinders to look through with one eye like a pirate’s telescope while traveling to and from South America

William Howard Taft

Laminated into placemats for breakfast, lunch, second lunch, dinner, second dinner and dessert

Richard Nixon

Cut up words to paste in pissy, threatening letters to The Washington Post

Gerald Ford

Folded into paper footballs

Jimmy Carter


Al Gore

Digitized, then recycled

Ronald Reagan

Doodled on, as one does

George H. W. Bush

Wrote even more classified material on

Bill Clinton

Gave to Hillary

George W. Bush

Gave to Cheney

Dick Cheney

Turned into wallpaper for secret underground mountainside soundproof bunker

Spiro Agnew

Tried but failed to sell to Frank Sinatra, then tossed into the Atlantic

Dan Quayle

Gave to daughter for show and tell at school, claiming, “They’re classified, meaning they’ve been made ready for class.”

Nelson Rockefeller

Put into time capsule with master list of Lizard People