What Other Ex-Presidents & VPs Did With Classified Documents
Thomas Jefferson
Reread daily in utter shock at what Lewis and Clark really discovered in present-day Oregon
Aaron Burr
Scribbled furiously over every “Hamilton”
Millard Fillmore, Franklin Pierce and James Buchanan
Declassified; all content just a variation of, “Not looking good”
Andrew Johnson
Burned after having secretary retype in blue ink to avoid black and white touching
Ulysses S. Grant
Instinctively encircled and drew arrows pointed at the names of southern cities
Read
Rutherford B. Hayes
Read disappointingly, as none included the outstanding name “Rutherford”
Burned after having his wife retype in blue ink to avoid black and white touching
Theodore Roosevelt
Rolled into cylinders to look through with one eye like a pirate’s telescope while traveling to and from South America
William Howard Taft
Richard Nixon
Cut up words to paste in pissy, threatening letters to The Washington Post
Gerald Ford
Folded into paper footballs
Jimmy Carter
Recycled
Al Gore
Digitized, then recycled
Doodled on, as one does
Wrote even more classified material on
Bill Clinton
Gave to Hillary
George W. Bush
Gave to Cheney
Dick Cheney
Turned into wallpaper for secret underground mountainside soundproof bunker
Spiro Agnew
Tried but failed to sell to Frank Sinatra, then tossed into the Atlantic
Dan Quayle
Gave to daughter for show and tell at school, claiming, “They’re classified, meaning they’ve been made ready for class.”
Nelson Rockefeller
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William Vaillancourt’s humor writing has appeared in Robot Butt, The Halfway Post and The Haven, among other places. Coincidentally, it has not appeared in other places as well.
