Avoiding No-Well
As we are aware, the holidays are not always a season of cheer for all people. It’s beyond the “holiday blues” that we’ve all heard about. And it’s a bit beyond medical science. Let’s look into the holiday’s maladies and try to steer clear of Sickmas and resist the general feeling of no wellness:
Claus-aphobia: an unreasonable, irrational fear of Santa Claus, most notably around malls.
Holly-Jollies: a nervous condition much like the heebie-jeebies, affecting long winter naps. They make you overly-sensitive to any clatters that might arise caused by excessive consumption of sugar products.
Noel-zheimer’s Disease: When a person becomes suddenly forgetful about what gifts to buy, clothing sizes or what they did at the office Christmas party.
Inyulelenza: the common Yule-flu that often results from the lack of proper nasal protection when Jack Frost comes nipping at your nose.
Mistletoes: similar to athlete’s foot, an infection caused by wearing stockings not hung with care. It can be easily treated with a medicated tannen-balm.
Kris Kringle Shingles: a viral infection, which causes a painful rash. You usually get it by sitting on untreated Santa laps.
Bi-North Polar Syndrome: a marked changed in brain chemistry resulting in major mood swings, from naughty to nice and back again.
PM-Xmas: discomfort experienced by women, as part of their winter cycle.
Hum-Drummers: a form of post-holiday depression. It is named after the first known case, the Little Hum-Drummer Boy. This young shepherd was so depressed he had to have a smile painted on his face. That’s what getting underwear as a present will do to you. Also known as the Ho-Ho-Hums.
Grinchworms: if you eat a bad sugarplum you could pick up this parasite that can invade your digestive tract and cause uncontrollable cravings for fruitcake and gingerbread.
Silent Nightis: a form of laryngitis caused by excessive caroling.
Tinselitis: temporary blindness caused by prolonged exposure to bright & shiny tinsel. The cure requires a tinselectomy.
Egg-nosticism: cases of people who are so stressed by the season they go into denial, refusing to believe the existence of the holidays.
PTXD (Post-Traumatic Xmas Disorder): a mental condition triggered by the annual War on Christmas.
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I’m a writer and live in New York City. Downtown New York. Very downtown New York. Okay, I live in Staten Island. Armed with only my wits and a keyboard, I’ve written for Cracked Magazine, The Adventures of the Galaxy Rangers, Prairie Home Companion, Mad, TMI: Hollywood, and other stuff.
